Submissive Sparks

It was too good to pass up.....

2010-10-11T07:39:00.002-04:00

So many of us know exactly what its like and can relate =)

Weather, Music, and Emotion...

2010-10-08T08:28:00.002-04:00

So... it appears I'm not the only one who mentally and/or emotionally connects weather with sex. Thunder and lightning are seriously one of my biggest turn ons.... the more intense the better. From what I've read I think it may be kinda common. I've been told I might enjoy the violet wand but honestly that scares me. Really crazy that something so simple like that would scare me when I really thrive on edge-play, but it does. I think I'll stick to thunderstorms...lol. Then again... I find being scared a bit of a turn on too.

On the same idea.... music has much the same effect on me. This one I've noticed a lot more people mention. People have their playlists for spanking, sex, cleaning, meditating, driving, sleeping, etc. Music seems to be an emotional experience for a lot of people. Are we just wired that way?

Raining....

2010-09-30T10:13:00.002-04:00

And I LOVE the rain....

For some reason thunderstorms make me insanely happy. =)

Lightning thrills me.

Thunder makes my heart race... its all kinda like a good orgasm... =P

Quickie

2010-09-17T22:33:00.002-04:00

I don't want to go more than a week without blogging something anymore.... and today is a week...

So.

Today you get to read about my ear infection. Fun, huh? Lol!

Oh! We finally convinced baby number 3 (he'll be 2 next week) to sleep in his own bed and not in ours... which means....

we actually got to have sex... last night even!

Yes, sex + ear infection = pain... and not in the good way.... but it was entirely worth it.

Maybe.... just maybe.... at some point i'll be back to writing about fun stuff soon!

<3

Submission

2010-09-10T14:03:00.003-04:00

Cookie posted her thoughts on submission and it made me think...

Thinking is good cuz it leads to more blog posts! <3

My submission comes from a deep need to know for sure that someone's in charge and that someone isn't me. It really is that simple for me.

Simply put, I'm not interested in being in charge. I don't want to make the rules, I don't want to make the decisions, and I don't want to control anyone or anything really. My safety and security in life comes from knowing that there is someone bigger and badder than me watching closely... someone I can't manipulate or control.

(Real quick clarification -- I CAN make rules, I CAN make decisions, etc... but that is not what fulfills me and it is not what makes me happy... and is definitely not what I want for my life)

Those are my current thoughts... maybe I'll add to it later...lol.

Long overdue....

2010-09-07T10:42:00.003-04:00

But here! Finally!

I don't know what excites me more.... the fact that I finally have time to post... or the fact that I finally thought of something to post about.

Work, school, kids, and life in general has kept me insanely busy... way too busy. We're also trying to get Daddy's business up off the ground. He makes amazing collars, jewelry, and carves fantastic wood items.

Anyways....

i've been home sick the last few days and ive been reading through others' blogs and fetlife. with our life being so crazy and some semi-serious health issues going on our life has been rather tame...lol. so... the following are my thoughts that reading and browsing has sparked....

Your kink is not my kink....

I am one who celebrates diversity. I love the fact that on the Spanking Blogger's Network (see links on my blogroll) there are so many different types of blog. Some are M/f, some are F/m... some are strictly domestic discipline and others more erotic.... some are from D/s or M/s backgrounds and others refuse to be labeled.... and yet we all love what the simple act of spanking provides for us. I find myself enjoying and learning from each and every one of them.

You're not who you presented yourself to be....

Its been happening quite a bit on fetlife lately that prolific posters are being outed for not being who they stated or presented themselves to be. Maybe using pictures off of modeling websites, presenting themselves as a long term live together couple when they've actually never met, etc.... the picture thing... yeah thats just wrong without permission from the model or photographer... but who does it really hurt if a couple wants to live in their fantasy for awhile.

The fact of the matter is... not one of us shares everything. There are definitely things about me and my life I will never share on this blog. I have a few profiles online where my location is wrong, on purpose. Does that make my words any less valuable? Anyways, moving on...

Perfection....

No relationship is going to be without its problems. Ever. Sometimes one person just can't provide all of your needs. Communicate... seriously.

Social Anxiety....

I have this. Seriously. Which is why I have no desire to ever attend a public function, play party, or public gathering. It takes everything I've got to go to work.... and even more simply to do the normal things a parent has to. I purposely keep most of my friends at a phone/internet level. Awful, huh....lol.

Spanking....

Before we had 4 children spanking happened much much more frequently. Even when we just had two children, it was still fairly regular. Ever since 3 and 4 showed up its been pretty much non-existant. We used to use spanking as an energy/mood regulator. I miss that, but its been so long that it honestly makes me nervous to think about.

And that ends today's randomness... with any luck there will be better randomness tomorrow =)

=P

2010-08-29T10:43:00.001-04:00

I'm going to work now.

On Tuesday or Wednesday... I am posting something. I don't know what yet... but it will definitely be something. I will demand my muse back! =P

Wow....

2010-07-30T18:36:00.003-04:00

I seriously need to work on my time management skills. I wrote this in my personal journal today... I can't seem to get anything done when I need it done. I'm really not being lazy either, I'm just not prioritizing correctly and ending up with a lot of wasted time. Things that are getting completed are things that could have waited.. so on and so on...

Daddy woke me up with some delicious snuggles this morning. Trust me, you know your day is going to be okay when you get snuggled awake.

Not much going on in terms of play and sex... but our newborn has just now started sleeping through the night so hopefully we will become less exhausted and more able to work that in...lol. The kidlets are constantly causing changes in schedules and such, but they're worth it.

Fetlife, blogging, and friends...

2010-06-11T11:14:00.003-04:00

Anything that has fetlife in the title has to be good, right?

Fetlife wastes far too much of my time. (See what I did there... blaming Fetlife? LOL) And yet it is really rare that I actually post or respond to anything on there. I'm a huge huge huge fetlife lurker. I have joined more groups than I could ever possibly keep up with simply to learn as much as I can about everything. I love to learn.

However.

Learning would be much easier and much more fun if I wasn't a lurker. I do it here too, in our blogging universe. Unless I make a conscious decision to comment, I rarely think to. That's not entirely fair to the blogger who really would probably appreciate some validation for their writing.

So.

I am making a much more conscious decision to comment.

Not on fetlife though. Some of those people make me want to reach through my monitor and strangle them. I'm not allowed to strangle people.

I have a 6 page paper on Ethics due on Sunday and I'm blogging instead of researching. Not my smartest use of time, ever.

2010-06-07T08:19:00.003-04:00

I can't think of a title... so I'm skipping that part. It's my blog and I can skip titles if I want to =P

I miss my Daddy. Sounds kinda silly considering that we live together, sleep in the same room, and share 4 children... but I haven't seen a whole lot of him since I've gone back to work. It's no one's fault, its just been crazy. My days off are coming up and that makes me super excited.

Oh! I went to sleep with a nice stinging bottom the other night. That was fantastic and I can't wait to do that again soon! It was just a few slaps with his hand, but considering the severe lack of spanking activity due to baby and recovery, it was perfect.

For those of you amazing and talented bloggers who share my love of spanking, you should seriously check out the new forum for The Spanking Bloggers Network. Click on the words spanking bloggers network, register your blog with us, and come check us out. Those of you who are already registered with us need to come register at the new forum. The network (found in my links on the side) brings me a good amount of visitors (and I appreciate every single one of you!) and gives us great visibility!

Why are you still reading this? Check it out!

Distractions... and heavy use of canes

2010-06-04T18:59:00.004-04:00

I like to be distracted. I like to be so busy that I don't have time to think. Not physically busy , but keeping my brain busy. Today there were not nearly enough distractions...lol. I could have invented a few things to do, but I probably would have ended up annoying some relatively new friends and I really don't want to do that.

So I started reading blogs. And I mean a ton of blogs... seriously. Reading between geometry problems... and I noticed something.

Canes are a huge topic right now. I don't think its intentional... I'm hoping that everyone didn't get a memo that I was left off of about "cane day" or something...lol

Personally, I hate the damn thing... and anything remotely like it. Daddy says thats not true and that I do like the cane after I'm warmed up... but I think by that point I really don't care what he's hitting me with....lol!

Anyone else have opinions on the use of canes?

2010-06-04T14:18:00.001-04:00

I had a meeting this morning with the intake specialist from Early Intervention.

Looks like child number 3 is more than likely on the autism spectrum.

Could use a friend to talk to but no one's around.

*sigh*

Need.

2010-06-02T20:41:00.002-04:00

Have I mentioned lately that I seriously need a spanking?

This happens from time to time. I wish I could say I was always a good girl who never needed to be spanked and only ever got happy pleasure spankings... but alas that would be a lie (and also a spankable offense...hmm....). Anyways....

I've come to accept something about myself. I need discipline and punishment. It makes me happy, makes me feel safe, and turns me on a lot. The fact that it turns me on doesn't make it any less punishment... but I think that's a blog for a new day. Back to the topic at hand..... need.

Tomorrow I go back to work. In all honesty I got lucky because my work schedule is pretty easy. Saturday, Sunday, Monday and Thursday. Ten hour shifts... but I can still play online from my cell phone. Seems almost too easy.

But.

I've become very used to seeing Daddy and the kids all day everyday. And now my schedule and my routine is changing and its messing with my head. Daddy's right on top of it though. He's already pointed out attitude problems twice tonight. Not good that I had the attitude, but I felt calmer when he pointed it out sternly. I felt safe again.... it comforts me to know that he's watching. And it comforts me that I don't have to pretend around him. He accepts my attitude, my brattiness, my mouth... it doesn't mean he's going to allow me to get away with it, but he has never wanted to change who I am and those qualities all help make up the "me" that he knows and loves.

Settling into a routine

2010-06-01T13:11:00.002-04:00

Life is craaaazzzyyy!

Luckily I like crazy...lol. The kids are good, Daddy is good, I'm good... we're all good!

Daddy has been amazing. I really don't understand how he keeps our little world running so smoothly. I'm not organized and far from patient, so this is something that just baffles me. Yet he does it, everyday. He sends me a to-do list most days that has things I need to accomplish. It's not a schedule because I just can't handle having to try and fit my daily stuff neatly into a little timed box. I am doing really well with my to-do lists though.

Daddy has been focused on my time management skills. He doesn't mind giving me the freedom to accomplish what I need to in my own way, but he doesn't like hearing about how I couldn't get things done when I had merely mismanaged my time. With 4 children, a full time college courseload (done online), and a full time job managing my time is insanely important. So I'm working on that.

My body is almost done the major part of the healing which means we can start playing very soon. This makes me soooo insanely happy and I know Daddy is excited too. He's been so patient through my healing, my migraines, and everything else that seemed to hit me after I gave birth. He has taken such good care of me. I can't even rave about him enough.

Everyday I seem to want to give him more and more of myself. It's wonderful to have that feeling after ten years of being together. We've been through so much together and we've seen the best and worst of each other. I want to give him my everything, without losing myself because he's demanded that I never lose myself.

Well, the dogs want to go out and the kiddos want attention, so off I go.... <3

2010-05-23T12:22:00.002-04:00

my motivation is missing. this is a huge deal today because i have a ton to get done.

actually, i've already done quite a bit. as you can all tell i am being completely lazy with capitalization today but hopefully i don't let my grammar slide too far.

today i've done laundry, started some school work, played with the kidlets, did some editing on the rules Daddy and i are planning on using, did my journal entry for him, and am now updating here. not that anyone needed the play by play.

i'm heading back to work in less than two weeks and daddy and i are working on coming up with a nightly ritual of sorts. i won't get home from work until 11:30ish, so it will be pretty late and i have to be up between 5 and 6am for the kidlets... so anything too long or complicated will overwhelm me. any ideas?

hmmmm

2010-05-15T11:28:00.002-04:00

Would you believe that I'm just insanely busy?? If you've followed me for awhile I'm sure you do believe it...lol.

But...

We actually had sex last night! Yay! My body is pretty much healed and Daddy is taking full advantage of that fact. We actually made out on the porch in the rain (and the dark..lol) like a couple of teenagers! The fun didn't stop there although due to having a newborn there were some pauses...lol.

So... from last night's playtime, I have learned....

Nipples + vibrator = NO fun at all! For some reason this amuses him greatly so I think I will be subjected to that again... and again... and again....

Anal play.... getting there slowly.... not nearly as dreaded as the above activity.....

I can't remember what else I learned....lol. It was just pure fun... and wonderful to be slapped around a little bit. Oh! And since the incision is healed I now have a freshly shaved pussy... that also makes me SO happy!! (I had no desire to have a razor in that close of a proximity to 27 staples... seemed like a disaster waiting to happen....)

I got the sweetest email from him this morning. I know... I'm collared, we're married, we live in the same house, share a bed, and have four children.... and still communicate through email and text message. However, those four children are probably part of the reason we do...lol. We talk too... but email is really convenient!

The best part of all... I want to submit to him. I have a bit of a discipline fetish so sometimes being obedient is a real chore... but I want to be good. I want to be corrected when I mess up, but most importantly I want to be good. I am giving my best effort to make him as proud of me as I can. I love him, I'm devoted to him, and I don't want to live my life without him. I'm sure I could do just fine, but I don't want to know...lol!

The chains that bind....

2010-05-10T09:50:00.002-04:00

Daddy put the chain back on the bed last night. It's been pretty standard in the almost 10 years we've lived together to have a chain on the bed connected to a cuff so I can't go far at night. It cuffs to my ankle. We had bought a new mattress and box spring awhile back and Daddy had never put the chain back on. Honestly, I was so pregnant and unsteady on my feet anyways that it would have been a disaster, and he knew it..lol.

So last night I noticed him pulling the chain out of the closet. My first thought was that I was sure I was going to trip and kill myself getting up to go to the bathroom or getting to the baby. I was nervous, and not even sure why I was nervous. He really didn't say much about it. When I went to bed he quietly cuffed me. As soon as that cuff closed I felt peace...

i notice...

2010-05-04T13:24:00.002-04:00

... that he's been correcting my behavior a lot more often. i honestly can't tell if i've been slipping more, or if this is the start of getting back into the swing of things. i'm excited about it actually. i like being called out for doing (saying, etc) something i shouldn't have. it's comforting to me. it shows me that he's paying attention and that he cares enough to correct me. likewise... when he corrects me and i show improvement it means i've listened to him and that comforts him and shows him that i really want our lifestyle.

and i do.

Busy busy busy....

2010-05-03T08:58:00.002-04:00

This is where I would love to be reporting all the kinky and fantastic things we have done since I last updated.... but it just didn't happen. Sometimes that's life with 4 kids, midterms, and weekends.

I logged in today to update and realized I had 5 new followers... thats awesome, but my blog just isnt exciting right now, although a lot of the past entries were exciting..lol.

Our son is 3 weeks old this week! I guess it is silly to expect or even really hope that the heavy kink would be back in swing by now. oh well... the time will come =)

Midterms this week.... I'm confident I'll do well =)

Seriously....

2010-05-01T08:51:00.003-04:00

Craving chocolate... not allowed chocolate without permission... not allowed to wake Daddy for permission.... who chooses to live like this???

Oh wait... i do...lol!

i suppose its not the end of the world... =p

Busy day lined up... cleaning, organizing, studying... fun fun....

We finally had a little bit of fun last night... nothing serious, but a bit of hairpulling, light slapping and a fantastic orgasm... makes me a very very VERY happy girl. Made him happy too... =)

i simply can not wait until we can get into more intense fun!

Rambling

2010-04-29T15:53:00.002-04:00

Yep. I do a lot of that.

Getting back into the habit of blogging hasn't been easy by any means.... but its been beneficial and Daddy is really glad that I'm taking the time to start again. I think one of the things making it hard is that... well... I just had a baby...lol.

Life hasn't been exciting... the most exciting thing that has happened since I had the baby two weeks ago is that Daddy let me order pens that I just adore. I know... to a lot of you that is simply pathetic...lol. To me, its life. Life isn't always made up of the sexy or exciting moments. Sometimes it's really refreshing to realize that the little moments are divine.

What we're still working on is establishing the rules, consequences, and boundaries. We're doing really well with that. I have always been more drawn to the mental aspects of the lifestyle. I don't label myself anymore because everyone defines terms differently and I tired of the old submissive vs. slave debate. Who really cares what the label is as long as the relationship is working. And ours is working. Fantastically.

There's a saying that I used to hear a lot. You can't please 100% of the people 100% of the time. I would love to be pleasing to as many people as possible... or I used to feel that way anyways. I wanted people to like me and I ended up falling to friendships where people only liked me if I subscribed to their way of thinking. As soon as I showed a differing opinion I was no longer worth talking to. I hate that and do my very best not to be like that.

No idea why I started rambling.... sorry...lol.

Hopefully in the next few weeks I will have something fun and exciting to blog about.... but when a girl has just delivered a baby the cramping, bleeding, clotting, and migraines tend to take a front seat in her life. Sexy mental picture, huh?

Oh well.. Daddy is far more concerned with my physical state than the sex aspect right now anyways. He won't let anything happen to me... and I won't let anything happen to myself. After all, Daddy can't use broken toys =P

Icky

2010-04-27T08:33:00.002-04:00

It's cold, raining, and I have a cold... and my ears are draining.... and two of my crew of kidlets have the same cold... no fun at all...

But...

Daddy and I are working on re-establishing the rules I need to be content. It doesn't hurt anything that he likes control...lol. Obviously I'm still healing from childbirth so the physical aspects that we enjoy/need are still on hold. In my mind that makes it the perfect time to work more on the mental aspects. This has me extremely excited. I am totally committed to getting our life back where we need to (and want to) be.

=)

So I have a few minutes...

2010-04-23T06:24:00.003-04:00

The girlies are still sleeping and the boys are chillin so I figured I'd update again while I'm thinking about it.

The baby is beautiful and for the most part a great baby. He's so mellow and laid back... its hard to believe he's mine...lol!

Today Daddy wants me to do some thinking about what elements I would like to see in our relationship. That should be fun. It's good to get back on the same page and re-evaluate our options and such every now and then.

I'm still trying to kick this cold.... it doesn't seem to be an infection anymore but its certainly no fun. I hate it a lot.

I'm finally starting to feel more like myself. Life doesn't seem like a burden anymore. I feel lighter, happier, more giggly, and more together. Of course that leads me to being more sarcastic and teasing, but hey... it works...lol! I was in a bad place emotionally when I found out I was pregnant. My doctor remembered that and asked if I wanted the xanax back, and I don't. I feel like I have regained myself and I feel stronger and put together. I really feel like life is heading in the right direction.

I had my staples out from my c section on Wednesday. I'm so glad those damn staples are gone. My tubes are tied... no more babies ever. As soon as the healing is done the fun can begin again =).

<3

2010-04-22T21:52:00.003-04:00

I'm wayyy behind the times.

The baby is here... he was born by c section early in the morning on 4/14. Ever since then I've been spending way too much time reading on fetlife to update my own blog...lol.

I'm half asleep right now but waiting for snuggle time from Daddy. Tomorrow I'll try and update some =)

2010-04-12T09:08:00.003-04:00

Another sunny day!

The baby has dropped... a lot. Everything is uncomfortable, but I am so grateful that we made it to 37 weeks that I don't mind so much today. The safety of me and the baby was in question for so long that it is a HUGE relief not to have to worry about that anymore.

Aside from school work I've just been lurking on fetlife. I know, boring. Facebook games also have my attention, which is fairly odd for me.

Master has been taking really good care of me, without letting me get away with too much. He has been amazing and sweet too!

Baby is scheduled for extraction exactly 2 weeks from today! Yay!

2010-04-11T12:22:00.001-04:00

Sitting outside on the deck (in the shade) with Daddy, the kidlets, and my computer. Its just a fantastic day. The sun is shining and there is a fantastic breeze going on. It is a truly wonderful. I went out with my mom this morning and picked up a few more things for the baby. Today starts week 37. I am truly content today.

Still not sleeping much... and already realizing that I need to do some real healthy work on my body once the baby comes. I don't want to do anything drastic, but I do need to get myself healthier. I know that I have to keep in mind my past eating issues, but I also know that I can't let those issues define me. I know I am smarter and stronger than ever and I know I want to do this for the right reasons =)

I don't think I've mentioned it but I started back at school online. I have real goals, dreams, and aspirations for myself and our family. Daddy and I came up with our goals together, and we are really a united team. Our communication is better than ever and we are just beyond happy =)

2010-04-10T08:46:00.002-04:00

The strange comments are weird...lol. I guess that would make sense since they couldn't be strange without being weird...lol.

Baby is scheduled for extraction on 4/26. I am MORE than ready....lol. We are doing well... very well. Nothing at all happening in terms of play or sessions, but that's to be expected since I'm 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow. We are communicating, relating, and enjoying each other's company.. and we are in love. There's no denying the fact that life is bleak and lonely without each other... we complete each other in ways we seemed to have forgotten at one point.

We have scheduled in (with the help of family members to babysit), date nights. We don't do much but go out to dinner and wander a store or two... but we are making time for each other without the kids. I think it really helps to be a couple... without our little treasures...lol!

Life

2010-02-09T09:26:00.002-05:00

Isn't all bad...lol.

The girls have had me up since 4, and the baby is being frustrating at the very least...lol. Master is sleeping because He had a long rough night. He's been taking baby duty at night so I can get some sleep. We've been quite a pair lately...lol.

We have about 10 weeks until the appearance of our youngest son (and last baby). It is official... we are tying the tubes and never having another child. I think 4 is good, personally. I know I was a little sad to think that this was it but the longer the pregnancy goes on the more I realize that I really do want to be done now. I think I will always have a little bit of baby envy, but not enough to want to keep risking my life for more children.

Haven't had much playtime, for a variety of reasons. One of those "spirit willing but flesh is weak" things. The closest we've been able to come to a spanking is 20 mild swats stolen before bed...lol. The joys of living with way too many people. I'm starting to get too big anyways.... its hard to manuever and hold positions as I keep getting larger and my center of gravity keeps changing. All that will fix itself later this spring...lol.

One thing I do love about our rebuilding is that He is a lot harder on me, and a lot more firm. I used to feel like I could talk Him into just about everything... now I know for sure who is in charge. I get turned down a lot when I want things.... granted these are usually things that are not the best decisions for me or the baby... but I am finding comfort and peace in knowing that He will turn me down when He feels like it.

All in all.... we're doing great =)

Getting Ready to Update!

2010-02-02T12:22:00.003-05:00

Things are going so well. He has been here since the beginning of January and we have been wonderful. We've had our moments, but who doesn't...lol.

I'm 27 weeks pregnant with our 4th (and last) baby. When I started this blog I was pregnant with the little man...lol. Funny how things turn around.

We have been experimenting with new kinks, which is fantastic. I will totally blog more about that later. I intend to start keeping this blog up again. We are communicating so much better and learning and growing together. I discovered that I love roughness... which of course is balanced with the fact that I am growing a life inside me...lol.

This pregnancy has been crazy with medical issues. Having Him here by my side makes it all so much less scary and so much easier to handle. The support I feel from Him is amazing... and taking care of Him and our kids makes me completely fulfilled.

The last year has been a crazy and heartbreaking year. I lost 7 close friends and family members... the chaos plays a huge part in our separation. I lost the ability to communicate.... and He didn't quite know how to handle that.

Life is going good... and moving in the right direction.

Is it perfect? Nah... nothing is ever perfect.... and not being perfect is just fine by me =)

And again...

2009-12-05T23:46:00.002-05:00

We're going to save our relationship, our marriage, and our life....

we're still apart, but working hard on moving in the right direction...

i love you.

And so it goes...

2009-09-16T08:37:00.003-04:00

The time has finally come to admit that it is over.

Wolf and I separated about a month ago. There are probably a million things I can say yet I can't seem to figure out how to word what I am feeling. We are separated by quite a few states... but we do talk a lot... like almost everyday. We love each other, and will always be very close, but the relationship just wasn't working anymore, and Lord knows it wasn't for lack of trying. It is a very amiable separation, which is amazing because we get to stay friends, and the kids aren't put in a rough spot.

Three days after he left I found out that I'm pregnant.

Last week my gall bladder started throwing damn stones everywhere landing me in the hospital for 3 days. My pancreas went off the deep end too. It wasn't fun.

Gall bladder will be coming out in a little over a month.... they had to wait until the second trimester to remove it. Pancreas stays in...lol... its kinda necessary.

Still pregnant....lol.

Thats my update. I still read my friends' blogs, even if I can't think of much to say myself anymore.

<3

General Busy-ness

2009-07-21T12:39:00.003-04:00

So life is soooo crazy. I'm still out of work due to some serious health issues on my end. I'm doin okay, but work may not appreciate it much since they still haven't approved my short term disability claim. Losers. Anyways... we are moving in less than two weeks. This is a good thing, I hope...lol. So just in case I lose my job I have been trying to come up with someone I can do instead. Any ideas anyone?

Little bit of this.....

2009-07-07T09:22:00.003-04:00

.... little bit of that....

So its been forever. And I mean forever....lol.

Life has been rough. My health crashed and i developed some minor heart problems. Everything is under control right now, but the anxiety it has caused has been unbelievable. Master has developed what appears to be a hernia and may have to have surgery soon, which adds to the worry and the anxiety.

There hasn't been much Master/sub activity here lately. Obviously we have been a little overwhelmed and simply struggling to make it through the chaos. I can't work right now and I'm still waiting to see if my short term disability claim is going to be approved. I'm really really hoping so.

The kids are doing okay. The girls still ask for D and still cry for her, which breaks my heart and makes me wish I had never been stupid enough to let them get close to her. It will be a long long long time before I let someone into my kids' lives like that again.

Aside from that we're all okay.

Daddy, Her, babies, and life...

2009-04-30T10:38:00.002-04:00

So life is moving on at a steady pace. It's been a rough few weeks... but i see changes in life happening and they are going to be so good. I just have this feeling.

Daddy and i have done a lot of talking, and it has been discovered that although i love Daddy with all my heart, i want to experience the dominance of a female. I don't wish to be owned by a female... but something about dominant feminine energy makes me feel like i do when Daddy is around. Safe, happy, and content.

She does this for me. She is sweet, yet firm. She is rarely tolerant of those things she knows i shouldn't be doing... and she is careful never to overstep. She gets along well with Daddy too, which is amazingly wonderful.

This time slow is the name of the game. We are not interested in being someone's back door, back-up plan, or emergency assistance... unless the emergency assistance is truly necessary. We are taking the time to build a rock solid foundation, and it is working so well. She is also being careful to take things slowly because, as we have all found out the hard way, when you rush something problems tend to occur.

I do know that the soul holds all the answers and is an inner compass. My soul is telling me that this relationship has a great chance. I know there is a lot of apprehension on all sides... but we are all keeping communication open.

The littlest ones are doing fine. Little Master is 7 months old now... which just blows my mind. He's so adorable, and is so strong. He has a very strong and demanding personality (wonder where that comes from...lol). The girls are very active, very strong willed, and very bratty (stop thinking it...lol... Daddy said thats from me, but I don't see that...lol).

Life is not perfect... but it sure is becoming that way...

Tomorrow...

2009-04-28T00:05:00.002-04:00

A very good friend of mine has an interview at the company I work for. I've never actually met this friend in person, but gave him my name as an employee referral. I work for one of those companies that rarely looks at anyone who isn't referred by an employee. The part that amuses me so much is that this friend lives (and applied for a job in) a completely different region. Maybe just having a name there is enough...lol. Anyways, back to the point... good luck B! I'm thinking good thought for you!

I never did succeed in getting SSA to answer the phone today. Daddy said that Monday's are a horrible day to call them and that I should be fine tomorrow. I just want an update on the file, thats all.

School is still going good... which makes me a happy girl. Daddy and i had a good day, which also makes me a happy girl... and i spent time talking to her... which adds to my happy-girl-ness. She wasn't here after my shower tho, which took away some from my happy-girl-ness.

I feel a little better, but my knee messed up again and that's not cool. It currently feels like someone is driving a metal stake through it... and it hurts all the way down into my big toe. Not interested in going back to the doctor for it though because I am not doing PT again and there's really nothing left to do for it. I'm missing the cartilage behind the kneecap, and my damn kneecap refuses to move up and down like its supposed to. It moves left to right, which is stupid if you ask me. It should just do its damn job.

Spanking news... there really isn't any. I got 5 swats today for not remembering how to respond to a simple question...lol. Other than that.... nothin.

I really need the damn aleve to kick in. I don't think thats too much to ask.

I...

2009-04-27T11:07:00.002-04:00

... don't feel well. Again.

I'm tired, achy, feverish, and have a migraine... and this does not make me a happy girl.

Trying to call SSA is like pulling teeth.

So anyways....

It was a very long weekend, hashing out the direction we want life to go in. A lot was decided and we are now working together and have finally really heard each other. It feels nice and so far is going very very well.

I'm staying home from work... cleaning a little... making some phone calls... and waiting for Daddy to wake up... and for her to come online.

We won!

2009-04-22T00:30:00.001-04:00

For those who are following my mini-drama....

We won my daughter's Social Security case!

Two long years of fighting have paid off!

Thanks to all of you who kept her (and us) in their thoughts!

Randomness again...

2009-04-18T18:32:00.002-04:00

So the last week has been soooo busy! I didn't mean to abandon my blogging... not that I was actually accomplishing much...lol. It has just been complete craziness. Yesterday, for those interested, I met with my daughter's lawyer and we are now prepared for the hearing on Wednesday. She thinks we have a chance, which is good. She said a lot of it will boil down to how credible I come off, but she's not worried about that at all.

Master and I are struggling a bit. We seem to have no time together and are both completely frustrated with the amount of things that keep us running in different directions. Hopefully we get this figured out soon because I know we're both lonely and miserable.

I've started talking with a girl that Master and I both like. She's really sweet and turning into a great friend. I love making new friends!

Work is going fantastically. I got my first "coaching" session last week and my new supervisor was thrilled with how I handle my calls and my customers. He is also very impressed with my technical knowledge. I am beyond happy about that!

The girls are doing great. They are both growing so fast and they both are so smart! Rhya will be 5 in July, and I can't figure out where the time went.

Sometimes I feel guilty that my blog isnt as interesting as it used to be, but we all have real lives... and sometimes real life is better than the exciting stuff. I think the down times when we're stuck dealing with the vanilla aspects only serve to help us appreciate the fun times!

<3

2009-04-18T11:13:00.001-04:00

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Over it...

2009-04-13T20:07:00.002-04:00

So I'm over my little vent...

Moving on...lol.

We had a good Easter... but things have been crazy around here. A family member passed away Wednesday, my father ended up in the hospital today from stress, my grandparents are not handling the death very well. Its been insanity.

My little rant was brought about by events over the last few months. People seem to come into my life just to walk away after I've given them what they want, need, or would like to have. I think that is the main reason I don't make friends easily and don't trust often. I seem to attract people who think my heart and emotions are unimportant at best.

Honestly, I think I need to stop shutting people out and start standing up for myself. I am a valuable person. I will, starting today, surround myself with friends and people who appreciate me for who I am.

Why?

2009-04-12T10:07:00.003-04:00

Why do people feel the need to tell you how much they love you and want to be a part of your life when they end up disappearing? This happens quite often with me for some reason, and has happened twice in the last month.

I don't like to be tossed aside. It isn't fun at all. I don't see how hard it is to actually be someone's friend. I would never just disappear on someone I valued and loved. I would never want to be without someone I considered a friend.

Sickness be gone!

2009-04-06T12:03:00.002-04:00

I think I'm better!

To celebrate feeling better, I am going back to work today! Ok, not much of a celebration, but a necessary step...lol.

The last two nights we've had time for my nightly spanking! This makes me a happy princess. I have been fairly well behaved so there hasn't been any punishment added to it, which means I go to sleep happy with a nice warm bottom.

Well, time to go shower and head off to work!

My child doesn't think like yours...

2009-04-04T22:54:00.005-04:00

My daughter, Rhyannon, is 4 years old. She can read like your average second grader and she rarely forgets anything. She's smart, sweet, articulate, and for the most part very polite.

My daughter can not tolerate certain textures. She can't stand mashed potatoes, eggs of any sort, mushy noodles, cereal that has been in milk too long, or anything of that consistency. She can't stand scratchy materials or socks that don't line up just right. She can not stand having her hair brushed, washed, or touched.

My daughter can't process stimuli. She doesn't know what to do with herself in large crowds, a lot of action, or loud places. She is known to spin out of control, cry, scream, cover her ears, and generally melt down completely. She is often looked at like a "bad" child in public. I get the "looks", quite often.

My daughter frequently tells us she is bad, that she has bad thoughts, that there are scary things in her head that will hurt her. She talks all the time about cartoon characters like they are her best friends, and told me today that she likes them better than her real friends. I actually understand this because her pretend friends aren't unpredictable. They don't frustrate her like other children do.

My daughter is on the autism spectrum. She was diagnosed by Tufts Medical Center (Boston University Medical Center) when she was just 2 years old. Months after her diagnosis we were advised to apply for SSI for her since there are services that she can benefit from, but only if she is receiving SSI. In just a few short weeks we will be attending a federal appeal hearing for our daughter. She has been denied 3 times, despite their own doctor stating that she is absolutely an autistic child. At this point we can only pray for them to finally approve her so she can get these benefits she so badly needs, and rightfully deserves.

Why am I posting all of this?

April is Autism Awareness month... I know anyone with a television is aware of autism. I know its been shoved down everyone's throats. So this year, I am making everyone aware of the struggles we face as parents, the struggles our autistic children face, and the way our own government overlooks or denies our children the services they need.

I love my daughter. I want what is best for her... and I will not stop fighting until she gets what she needs... one way or another.

Update...

2009-04-04T16:18:00.002-04:00

Yep, I still suck at titles...lol. The myspace situation has been resolved and so closes that chapter of my life. Moving on...

I am finally getting better. I tried to go to work on Wednesday and barely made it to the parking lot of work when I felt like I was going to pass out. I called the doctor and she instructed me to turn around and go straight there.... so I ended up back at the doctor. She upped the antibiotics and added a steroid taper and cough medicine with codine to it. I am really feeling better now and am headed back to work on Monday! There have been no more spankings since that one I posted about because I've been sick, but that will pick up hopefully now.

Everything else is going ok. It will all get a lot better once I'm fully up to par, but I'm feeling confident and feeling better so thats a good thing. School is going really well. It seems I do much better with algebra and internet concepts than I do with Java programming and Sociology. All that matters is that I make it though but pulling As in these classes shouldnt be too hard.

I've been doing my best to keep up with everyone's posts... and for those interested, my Master posted another poem on His page... I'm too lazy to throw the link in here, but the link is on my blog rolls.

Some great.... some not so great....

2009-03-31T21:40:00.002-04:00

I want to start this out with a message for a certain someone who knows who she is. I have no idea if she's still reading my blog, but I really have a good feeling she is.

I don't know what I did to you to deserve what you've done over the last week. Honestly, I really don't care. I straightened out the situation myself. What I do care about is the pictures of my children on your myspace. I want them down. I have emailed and messaged you everywhere I could think of, but you have blocked me from them all without a response and the pictures of my babies are still on your myspace. Please, for the sake of everyone involved and especially the children, please take then down.

Ok, I hated doing that, but I really had no choice. I had no other way to contact her and I dont even know if that's going to work. It does serve as a reminder to everyone... be careful who you trust with pictures of your children. I know I will be far more careful from now on.

On to better subjects....

I got spanked last night! It was part punishment for talking back, and partly the start of our nightly spankings. I missed being spanked so much! The fact that I missed the spankings and the discipline might have played a part in my talking back...lol. It wasn't serious, however. I'm still a good girl :).

The nightly spanking is going to consist of 75 spanks. If it goes like last night, the 75 will be broken down in groups of 25 by implement. Last night's 75 were split between His hand, the hairbrush, and the cane. They were not hard at all, just enough to provide a nice slow burn. He had me bend over the back of His desk chair and He bared my bottom. The entire experience was wonderful.

The punishment part of the evening happened right after that. The punishment was 25 with the belt. Those weren't severe but they were more intense than the previous 75. They served as a reminder to watch my mouth. We both know, however, that is something that probably isn't going to happen...lol. He loves my joking and teasing. :)

All in all, I am so happy. Our life is coming back together. We rearranged the apartment, and I'm really happy with the results. Master has worked His ass off to get it all done, and we are mostly there. I've been sick, but am feeling better and headed back to work tomorrow! I applied to start my Bachelor's degree yesterday. I decided to go with a Bachelors in IT System Security. The enrollment counselor said that is a great choice, but I had already done my homework on that so I already knew that...lol! I am slated to start that November 3rd since I will finish my Associates in the middle of October. My new classes are going so much better than the previous two. I hated Sociology with a passion. Part of that is also my new motivation. I have to show Master my weekly grade reports. If He doesnt like what He sees... my ass is His.

Wait... its His anyways.... lol!

Getting better...

2009-03-27T21:35:00.005-04:00

Still sick but getting better! Yay for better! Still no spankings, but I still have faith and I know they are coming.

I wanted to say that there are two relatively new (new to blogger) bloggers out there. Master's lil one and Phare. They are both great people and I'm excited to see them over here! I've been following both of them for a few years now, and hope you all stop by and say hi!

In other news... its time again for my open invitation to the Spanking Bloggers Network! Our network is growing and we would be thrilled if you would all join us. Its a place where spankers and spankees from all sides of the lifestyle can join together and share their experiences. I've made some great friends, and would love to see more people join together. Seriously, we are an ecclectic bunch and I love it! There is no judgement... we have slaves, submissives, domestic discipline, spanked husbands, switches, sensual and erotic... you name it someone there can relate. Let me know if you're interested! If you don't want to contribute, but are interested check out the link on my page!

Nothing more for tonight folks... I think I'm going to go harass Master for awhile.

Have a great night!

Ok... Phare's site is not accepting comments despite all the settings being correct. She's already tried changing the background... any ideas?

Yes, again...

2009-03-26T21:05:00.002-04:00

I'm sick... again...

My doctor even pointed out this morning that I'm getting bronchitis about 4 times a year. Some of you will remember that just a few weeks ago I had a sinus infection. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I can't wait until I feel better. This is horrible. At least this time I didn't wait two weeks to call the doctor. I'm officially out of work until Monday. I know they won't like that because I've been out since Tuesday, but what is a girl supposed to do?

Master and the baby aren't feeling well either. The rain is headed in this part of the country which is making everything... blah... even though I love the rain. The rain, to me, is a symbol of rebirth.

No spanking for me... not until I can breathe better and feel better. Master's being very patient with my lazy self, and I appreciate that so much.

So a few weeks ago my best friend, T, brought me two kittens. They are amazing little kitties... already in my heart. The girls adore them... probably a little too much.... and luckily they are resilient little cats because one of them already had a run in with Jillianne. He's fine though :). Yesterday our upstairs neighbor (who is being evicted) asked us to take his kitten because he has nowhere to put her. We agreed, and within hours regretted it. She's a little older than our two, and mean as hell. We were dedicated to working with her and teaching her love... until about midnight. Around midnight the baby started coughing and fussing, and she started hissing and growling. It wasn't long before she was poised to attack my little man. At that point we knew... it wasn't safe for the baby to keep her. So today she was returned to her original owner. I feel bad that we couldn't keep her, but she put our baby at risk.

Yin and Yang... our dynamic duo.... are beautiful little kitties. I'll get some good pictures soon. I know T reads this blog occasionally... so thank you, honey. I know I already said that, but you made the girls very very happy. *hugs*

In case I haven't mentioned it... no spankings yet. This makes me a sad little princess. I have faith though, and soon enough I will get what I need... and what I deserve....lol!

Nightly Spankings

2009-03-24T18:31:00.002-04:00

I want them... more than I can even begin to express. I get turned on just thinking about them. More than that though, I crave that kind of pain again. Although this new job has done wonders for my career, it hasn't helped our spanking or sex life any. With all the changes happening around here it has been crazy to say the very least.

I asked Master earlier if we were going to start the nightly spankings again soon, and He said yes! Not only yes, but He said either tonight or tomorrow! That is news I am so excited about. The nightly spankings aren't normally intense, nor are they lasting, but they are wonderful. They are reminders, and sometimes teasers. Of course if there is punishment needed, it happens then too usually.

I love being spanked. I love the pain, the sting, the sensations.... but more than that I love the emotions I feel while being spanked. Sometimes being spanked brings me into a very "little girl" headspace, and that is one of my favorite places to be. I have often thought that I would love to live my life out as an adult little girl. In many ways I do... but with jobs, children, and life in general, its hard for my fantasy to be anything more than fantasy. At home though, I mostly call Master "Daddy" (its easier with the kids around) and we interact very much like Daddy/little girl. Its a part of my life I adore and would never consider giving up.

Which leads me back to my love of spanking. As a little girl, I get spanked often when time permits. I will forever be a little girl.... I am one of those people who have no chance at growing up. I don't want to. I adore the control Daddy has over me, and the structure our life has most of the time. We are going to regain our structure very soon, and the nightly spankings will be the start of that.

So I rambled... a lot... and now am being called to take care of diaper duty... so off I go! My muse is coming back so I expect that posts will be more frequent now!

Belts

2009-03-23T11:22:00.003-04:00

Last night I was laying in bed and happened to look up at the window. I noticed that the belt (only used for punishment) was hanging up on the window. So being the inquizitive little girl I am I asked Master what it was there for... and He laughed and said "a reminder". I giggled too, but the truth is that the belt is no laughing matter. The last time I got the belt was when I hit one of those stupid yield signs in the middle of the road..lol. Yes, I still think it was funny... but I didnt find the spanking very funny.

Thinking about that made me think about punishment. Punishment, for me, is highly necessary. I feel most loved, safest, and most secure when I know that He is looking out for me. I feel purged and clean after punishment. I feel like no matter how out of control I feel, or may act, He will be there to keep me under control... in a way safe from myself.

Thinking about that makes me smile.

Purity

2009-03-22T16:35:00.003-04:00

I borrowed this off of Cookie's (from The Cookie Jar) blog... I love the stuff she comes up with!!

The 100-Point Spanking Purity Testby Raandi from a now defunct website.

Have you ever...

1. Posted to a spanking newsgroup/bulletin board/mailing list? Yep... several times, in fact...

2. Bought/downloaded spanking pictures? umm.... yes... in great abundance

3. Bought/downloaded spanking magazines or literature? See above

4. Been in a spanking chat room? yep

5. Bought spanking-related books in a real bookstore? once, i think

6. Written a spanking story? It was really short, and it really sucked...lolol

7. Looked up the word "spank" in the dictionary? yes... when i was in the 1st grade...lol

8. Bought/watched a spanking video? yep.... love it!

9. Cyber-spanked someone or been cyber-spanked? yep....lol

10. Watched someone else get spanked in real life? yep and it was a huge turn on!

11. Been to a fetish shop such as Kinematics or Stormy Leather? No, actually...

12. Purchased toys specifically for spanking? yes

13. Made your own spanking toys? yes

14. Spent more than $100 on a single spanking toy? no... never

15. Owned 10 or more spanking toys? yes

16. Had a spanking fantasy while masturbating? oooh yeah...lol.

17. Had a spanking fantasy about a real life spanking you'd seen/read about? yes

18. Had a spanking fantasy while having sex? yes

19. Spanked/been spanked while touching intimately? mmm yes....

20. Spanked/been spanked during sex? yes.... its wonderful...

21. Given/had an orgasm while spanking/being spanked? Masturbating while being spanked... yes... but not from just spanking

22. Spanked/been spanked with no specifically sexual overtones whatsoever? yes... punishment

23. Spanked/been spanked on the bare bottom? yes.... almost always bare

24. Spanked/been spanked for more than 10 minutes? yes...

25. Spanked/been spanked for more than an hour? yep... its wonderful

26. Been involved in a situation where if something went wrong, the onlymeans to stop the scene was a safeword? No... simply because i don't use safewords

27. Used your safeword/ had someone use their safeword? nope

28. Spanked/been spanked where there was no safeword? yes... Master and i have been together for over 7 years... we don't use safewords with each other

Spanked/been spanked with:

29. A hand? yes

30. Paddle? yes

31. Hairbrush? my favorite... :)

32. Ruler? yes

33. Spoon? yes

34. Cane? yes

35. Switch/birch? think so something similar

36. Crop? yes

37. Belt/strap? yes.... this one is punishment only

38. Flogger/whip? yes

39. Implement with holes? I dont think so....

40. Ordinary object not intended for spanking, such as a remote control or shoe? I honestly can't think of anything.. I'll have to ask Master

Have you ever...

41. Broken a toy (over someone's bottom) during spanking play? yes

42. Switched? (been spanked if you are primarily a top, or spanked someoneif you are primarily a bottom) No.... I wouldnt like that

43. Spanked/been spanked on the back of the thighs? yes

44. Spanked/been spanked on the front of/inside of the thighs? yes

45. Spanked/been spanked on the breasts/genitals? yes

46. Wet your/your partner's bottom to make it sting more? Nope... not that I can remember

47. Spanked/been spanked outside? yes

48. Spanked/been spanked in a hotel? yes

49. Spanked/been spanked in a car? yes

50. Spanked/been spanked in a bath, shower or hot tub? yes

51. Made someone do something/been made to do something they/you did notwant to do? yes

52. Punished someone/been punished for not doing something correctly orrefusing to do something in a scene? yes

53. Punished someone/been punished for a real life issue? yes

54. Used spanking "talk"? (ie "You've been very naughty," "I'll be good,"etc.)yes

55. Been involved in the acting out of a roleplay fantasy? yes

56. Been involved in the acting out of an ageplay fantasy? yes

57. Asked for/been asked for a spanking? yes

58. Made someone/been made to count the spanks? yes

59. Made someone stand/stood in the corner? yes

60. Made someone stand/stood in the corner for more than 5 minutes? yes

61. Been provoked/provoked someone into spanking you by acting like a brat? yes

62. Deliberately disobeyed/had someone deliberately disobey, in order toget spanked? Yes... and it wasn't for play... and the spanking that resulted was definitely not playful..lol

63. Kept a list of "infractions" to spank/be spanked for later? yes

64. Spanked yourself? believe it or not, yes

65. Spanked yourself at the instruction of someone else/instructed someoneto spank him/herself? no

66. Required someone to/been required to call someoneSir/Ma'am/Master/Mistress/ Mommy/Daddy/ some-other- variation during spanking play? During play... and outside of play... and i love it!

67. Met someone specifically for spanking play? no

68. Travelled more than 100 miles to spank/be spanked? no

69. Placed/answered a spanking personal? yes

70. Gone to a play party or club? no

71. Participated in play with someone at a play party or club? no

72. Spanked/been spanked by someone whose name you didn't know? no

73. Paid or been paid to spank someone? no

74. Been involved in a spanking scene with more than one person at a time? yes

75. Spanked/been spanked by both men and women? (not necessarily at thesame time) yes

76. Spanked/been spanked on a spanking horse or some other piece offurniture specifically designed for spanking? no

77. Made videotapes of your spanking play? no

78. Taken pictures of/had your partner take pictures of you during or afterspanking play? yes

79. Admired your/your partner's bottom in the mirror after a spanking? yes

80. Spanked someone/been spanked nude? yes

81. Bought new underwear specifically for spanking play? lol... no

82. Worn fetish clothing (schoolgirl outfit, leather, etc?) yes

83. Worn fetish clothing in public? no

84. Spanked/been spanked so that the spankee had trouble sitting afterward? yes

85. Spanked/been spanked so that the spankee had trouble sitting the next day? yes

86. Spanked/been spanked so there were marks/bruises showing? yes

87. Spanked/been spanked so there were marks/bruises showing for more than a day? yes

88. Had to explain your marks to a vanilla person? nope.. but I dont tend to be around too many vanilla people

Been involved with any of the following in connection with spanking play?

89. Restraint (ie. holding someone down, trapping their legs, etc.) yes

90. Restraint with ropes, cuffs, scarves or other bondage toys? yes

91. Blindfolds? yes

92. Gags? yes

93. Nipple clamps/clothespins? yes

94. Icy hot or some other heat-enhancing cream? yes but hate it

95. Ginger root or some other burning/stinging substance inserted anally? no

96. A butt plug, dildo or vibrator? yes

97. Mouthsoaping? no

98. Enemas? no

99. Temperature taking? yes

100. Cried/made someone cry from a spanking? yes

And there it is... some insight into how i feel and what i have experienced!

Enjoy!

New Schedule

2009-03-16T11:45:00.002-04:00

So training at work was nice, and is now over. I love the job and still love the company so I'm a pretty happy girl in my worklife. My new schedule is 2nd shift Monday through Friday, which opens up great things for Master and myself. We are currently working on a ritual or something for when I get home from work, which will allow us to reconnect.

This schedule will definitely open up time for the wonderful world of spanking again! I'm really hoping that we can do nightly maintenance spankings, because that is just a wonderful thing. The time is there, so I don't see why we can't work that in, but of course its His decision. All I know is that I really want to be spanked soon...lol.

Life is settling out nicely.

Kids are great.

Master is amazing.

I'm a happy happy girl!

Beliefs

2009-03-01T10:38:00.002-05:00

My good friend, Tapestry, posted a link to a quiz she took at Beliefnet about spirituality. Since I am a very spiritual person... and very bored... i decided to go take the quiz myself. She was definitely right, it was far from easy to answer some of the questions, but the results were interesting. Anyone interested in these things would probably love this quiz. It's a definite thought provoker....

http://www.beliefnet.com/Entertainment/Quizzes/BeliefOMatic.aspx

Here are my results :

Your Results
The top score on the list below represents the faith that Belief-O-Matic, in its less than infinite wisdom, thinks most closely matches your beliefs. However, even a score of 100% does not mean that your views are all shared by this faith, or vice versa.
Belief-O-Matic then lists another 26 faiths in order of how much they have in common with your professed beliefs. The higher a faith appears on this list, the more closely it aligns with your thinking.
How did the Belief-O-Matic do? Discuss your results on our message boards.
1.
Neo-Pagan (100%)
2.
Hinduism (93%)
3.
Jainism (87%)
4.
Orthodox Judaism (87%)
5.
Sikhism (85%)
6.
New Age (80%)
7.
Mahayana Buddhism (79%)
8.
Reform Judaism (75%)
9.
Unitarian Universalism (74%)
10.
Islam (68%)
11.
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (66%)
12.
Theravada Buddhism (64%)
13.
Liberal Quakers (60%)
14.
Baha'i Faith (58%)
15.
Jehovah's Witness (56%)
16.
Orthodox Quaker (54%)
17.
New Thought (53%)
18.
Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (48%)
19.
Scientology (48%)
20.
Eastern Orthodox (43%)
21.
Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (43%)
22.
Roman Catholic (43%)
23.
Seventh Day Adventist (42%)
24.
Secular Humanism (34%)
25.
Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (32%)
26.
Taoism (32%)
27.
Nontheist (20%)

My weekend

2009-02-28T20:04:00.002-05:00

This was supposed to be the post about great sex and wonderful playtime... but the stomach flu seems to have taken over my household. So far R and I seem to have avoided it... but the baby, J, D, and Master have all had it. The girls (R and J) seem to be much better, but Master and D are still suffering badly. So tonight I went to the store and bought every kind of cleaning product that promises to kill viruses and the flu...lol.

Work is going good.... two more weeks of training and then I'm done and on my way. Honestly, its not as hard as they made it out to be. I'm so excited and so happy about my work life. Its going really well.

For any of my readers who are interested.... The Spanking Bloggers' Network is looking for some new content. We love all of our current posters, but we are really looking to expand and would love to get some new material. Let me know if you're interested. - I know... shameless plug...-

The girls are loving daycare... as soon as training is done that will free up almost every morning for spankings and playtime. Talk about excitement! I can't wait!

I've had some blog ideas running around in my head... we'll see if time permits me getting them out and posted...lol!

Answers....

2009-02-21T13:45:00.003-05:00

There was a comment left on one of my previous entries about the break-up. I have received several emails all saying the same thing as the comment left. Quite a few people expected a much different reaction from me when the break up happened....

It didn't happen that way, because I chose not to. I waited days before posting anything about it because I didn't want to say things that didn't need to be said. I wanted to be sure that what I did say was as fair and as accurate as possible. I also wanted to minimize the emotion behind it. Emotion can cause people say and do things they never intended to do. Yes, I was in love with her. And yes, the break up hurts... and it was really hard trying to deal with my own feelings and emotions with her still living here. It turns out tho, that it was easier to move on than I thought it would be. Certain situations that played out during the actual break up taught me a lot about where we all are at this point in our lives. Situations since then have taught me a lot about what I'm needed for right now.

I am not sure why she chose to close her blogger. I only found out when she sent me an email that simply said she shut it down. I don't know if she's making sure to completely disassociate with us, or if she needs that break to heal. We don't communicate much and right now I really think its for the best. Staying a step back is giving me more insight than I think I would find if I was fighting to keep up a relationship at all. Her and Master have a weird sort of "Daddy/daughter" non sexual relationship going on right now. Her and I are roommates... something she chose almost a month ago.

Sometimes we learn things about ourselves while we are sifting through the dust of a shattered relationship. This is definitely one of those cases. I know that Master and I are poly minded, and for a few short weeks we saw how amazing poly can be and how perfect it felt. We are not giving up on our dream for a poly relationship, but we're in no rush. I also learned that sometimes, loving someone really isnt enough of a reason to make a relationship work with someone who isnt interested in really trying.

There isn't a whole lot more to say on the subject... I consider it over. I have no idea how anyone else considers it. Its just not a subject that we discuss around here. Master and I are moving on with our life in whatever direction it takes us, and I assume she's doing the same. She may still live here but there is no communication going on and right now that is the way I prefer. I don't wish her any harm, and I'm still doing everything I can for her to make sure she has what she needs. Master and i still cover all the bills, and we do what we can to make sure she is able to get enough sleep and there is food in the house for her. We just want her to be happy ultimately.

This is more than likely going to be last post about the breakup. Truth be told, I don't really spend too much time thinking about it anymore. I have a wonderful Master, 3 perfect children, 3 of the best friends a girl could ask for, the job I've always wanted, and school. I prefer to live my life in the real world... in there here and now.

Doctors, Lawyers, and Babysitters....

2009-02-19T22:31:00.003-05:00

The baby and I both ended up at the doctor today. He was supposed to go for his check up. He's almost 5 months old, 15lbs 3 oz, and 25 and 1/2 inches. He's perfect for his age, actually developmentally advanced. This morning I called my doctor because my throat and ears have been hurting badly, and my doctor called while I was at the baby's appointment. Since both doctors are in the same building she told me to stop in. Sure enough, I have a double ear infection in one ear, an infection in the outer ear of the other ear, a sinus infection, and the possible beginnings of strep. Fun stuff.

The lawyer for R's SSI case email late tonight and told me that there's a new hearing scheduled in April. We're still working on getting the last piece of info together that we need for this case, but its been working on this since Jan of 2007. I'm really praying we can pull this off because there are so many services in this damn state for autistic children that kids are only eligible for if they receive SSI.

The girls' daycare paperwork is all turned in except for one piece that I seem to have misplaced. I'm really kicking myself for that one, but I'm going to keep looking for it.

Aside from that life is about like normal. Work is going very well, the kids are all doing ok except for colds.... Master is starting to get what I have, which is not good at all. I have great friends... and a wonderful family.

Life

2009-02-16T19:28:00.002-05:00

Life moves on around here at an alarming pace sometimes. Nothing has changed really, except that I am feeling much better about the break-up. Knowing where everyone stands makes life much easier. Now that I know its time to let go and move on my heart is healing and everything feels less chaotic. Its almost sad how easily everyone around here has seemed to adjust to the change.

Right now... and this may definitely be TMI.... i am struggling with period issues. I am clotting badly and it is beyond painful. This is probably the most painful period I've had since having the baby and its not fun at all. The baby is sick and it seems like Master is coming down with it also. I'm really praying that I avoid it, since I just started the new position and all. I already had to take one day off for being sick, and I took this coming Thursday off so I could take the baby to the doctor. No one seems to be overly upset about it though, which is a good thing.

On Thursday morning Master's daughters W and K are headed out to Texas to visit their mother. They're going to be gone for 9 days. They haven't flown before, well, not in a long long time, so this is pretty exciting for them... and pretty nerve wracking for Master. They are 19 and 20, so its not like they are little girls, but to Master they will always be little girls.

There's really nothing else new to report. Life moves in funny directions sometimes...

Breaking the silence....

2009-02-12T23:15:00.003-05:00

So its officially over and I believe I have been through every range of emotion. I am going to try and be as diplomatic as possible, as I don't want this to become something ugly and awful. I also want to be as fair as possible, and keep details that aren't mine to tell out of it. I just believe that I shouldn't have to hide my feelings.

She has chosen to move on. This, in itself, is perfectly fine. I would never want someone to stay with me who didn't truly want to. I won't lie and say its easy... and I won't say that I haven't been struggling to keep my emotions in check, but ultimately I believe that what is best for her is most important. I have quite a few issues with things that have happened over the last two days, and it has become obvious that our feelings are not really being considered. It hurts, and it hurts badly.... especially since I tried so hard to make this work. The way it ended was cold, to say the least, but at least it was relatively drama free. My main concern in all of this is the children.

Life feels weird right now, and its not all because of the breakup. I'm still in training at work, so my schedule is odd, but I'm getting used to it. Taxes came back and Master bought D (formerly kitten) and I each a laptop and spent quite a bit on new clothes for us both. Yes, she gets to keep hers...lol. My laptop doesnt have paintshop on it yet though, so the pretty graphics cant happen yet. The clothes are wonderful and a lot of them were very much needed for work.

There has been no playtime at all because of the home situation. Its been akward to say the very least, and Master and i are both hoping that things settle down some. Our relationship is perfectly fine though, so we are not too concerned. Disappointed and frustrated (in all kinds of ways...lol) but not concerned. We have plans to get our schedule in line, and we are placing the girls in daycare, so we know we can work in some real protocols that will help us feel better and less out of synch. Having the girls in daycare will also allow them socialization time, which should help with their social development.

As for spanking... I am still due that spanking from awhile back, but there has been no time to get that done and over with. Its not going to be a fun one, so I'm not really looking forward to it... but I know its necessary since I really need discipline, especially when things are out of control in life. When things settle down and go back to normal, it will be wonderful.

Thats my update for now! I'm going to try and post more regularily. It would be easy if there were fun things to post about, but right now life isn't all that fun.

Update

2009-02-04T22:12:00.003-05:00

Things here are still the same... a million questions with no answers. Its hard to live like this, but it is the way it has to be right now. For awhile it felt like parts of life were stuck on pause, but this week the pause button let up and life is slowly starting to move again... regardless of whether anyone wants it to or not. Where it takes us is yet to be seen.

That aside, Master and i have had no time at all to even have a real conversation. He said He is planning on rectifying that soon, since we are now adjusting to our new schedule. Its kind of funny... as soon as we adjust to this schedule it'll be time to re-adjust...lol.

We're looking into daycare for the girls. Letting them get some social interaction, and hopefully free up some time for Him and i once i get on my new schedule. I know that will work out well. The girls were in daycare before and both loved it. They both ask for it from time to time, so I know they will have fun. I wouldn't even consider the idea if I didn't think they would love it. Aside from that there's nothing really new to report. I know I am due a spanking for running three red lights in one day and being a smartass. That hasn't happened yet, but I've been told that its coming.... I'll definitely report on that once it happens!

Update

2009-01-21T13:21:00.002-05:00

No time or patience for a pretty title graphic...

Life has been insanely hard to follow lately, hence the lack of updates.

I got a new job! Well, same company, but a much better position... and on days. I'm so excited and I start Monday. I can't wait! This position has real potential for me career wise, and after the 6 week training period, will benefit our family incredibly!

On the family front things are very shaky. Kit made some decisions that have affected everyone, and we are now learning to deal with the changes. I won't go into more because its not my story to tell, but I have faith it will all work out as it needs to.

Spanking news.... I got 20 with the crop followed by corner time early last week for failing to stop at a red light. I wasn't paying attention at all. It was very well deserved.

The kids are good.. just driving us all crazy.

Thats about it for now!

2009-01-07T21:51:00.002-05:00

I believe in us. I believe in our family and in our ability to provide for each other. I've always believed, but sometimes find it hard to show that I believe.

That was my completely random thought for the night...lol.

So Master had me take a day off from work... and it was much needed. We didn't find any time for playtime during the evening because everyone needed in our room for various things. I honestly didn't even know Master was considering that for us until about an hour before it became apparent that it wasn't going to happen. We stayed up all night in the livingroom though... and really made our connection. The house was asleep and it was just us in the dark. We knew there was a chance we'd get "caught" but I think that only heightened our experience. It wasn't anything wild, or long, or planned... but it was heaven. We didn't do much, per se, but the connection that we made was unbelievable. The energy that we created and that overtook us was awesome.

We realized, after we were done, that our M/s connection was back. Back in full swing. Both of us have been much happier since. Its amazing how a few little moments can make the world of difference. There was no bondage, no ropes, no beatings, no marks even.... there was just that connection that can't even be described. It was the tone, the looks, the inner spark. I think it helped that we both were desperate for that connection, so we were looking for it.

I am content.... happy.... loved... :)

2009-01-07T09:13:00.001-05:00

I haven't vanished.... update coming soon!

2008-12-30T17:58:00.002-05:00

A very controversial word for some... and others just like to argue about how long forever is. Yet this word means the world to me.

Almost 10 years ago, He promised to love me forever. I promised to love Him forever. Seven years ago, that promise evolved. I knelt before Him and promised to be owned by Him forever. And that was seven years ago tonight.

I have to work tonight, so there isn't a whole lot of time for me to sit here and reflect on the last seven years. I just wanted to write my own quick little post about this word.

I know what forever means to me. I know what slave means, I know what married means, what submission means, and what pain and pleasure means. What the last seven years mean to me is something much harder to define. Without Him, without our life and the promise of forever, I would never be who I am now.

I love You, Master!

Forever... cuz we promised!

2008-12-29T11:31:00.002-05:00

So, Master and i stayed up all night last night. We just snuggled, He held me, and we talked about what needed a little fixing schedule wise. There was no "i don't get this" or "you don't do that" from either of us. We both cherish every minute that we do get together, but we both have needs that are going unmet. Some of these needs we can provide each other... and some we can't. It was a wonderful talk, and it really helped close the gap we had both been feeling. We played a little after K got up to watch the kids, and even though it wasn't long or intense, it was needed. We both felt the energy exchange happen, and we both feel fairly content.

One of the needs I have is for a "big sister". I am not at all trying to replace my sweet kitten... i'm actually trying to improve myself for her. I cherish my role as her big sister. I ache to comfort her, guide her, and be with her. She is one of the very few women I want sexually, and she is a safe zone for me. She needs this from me, and I'm more than happy to provide it. However, in order for me to provide it, I need someone to provide something similar for me. I don't want another sexual partner... I don't want another sister slave... and I don't want someone taking my time or attention away from my family... but I do want a big sister. I've always had a need for a female figure that I can be "little" with. Someone who understands and will nurture. I have that, in a sense, with my best friend C, but she lives about a thousand miles away. I need someone here. This need is starting to impede on my ability to provide for Kit. Its a need that Master and Kit can't fill. I believe everyone has needs that their partner(s) can't fill... luckily thats my only one. I believe my slavery is starting to suffer because of this.

Life is good. Not perfect, but definitely good. There is nothing major that I would change... nothing I regret or feel resentful about. I am, for the most part, a content girl.

And that is one of the biggest blessings I could ever ask for...

2008-12-28T08:30:00.004-05:00

This week has been more than a little difficult. Emotionally I feel extremely fragile... like a child tired of living an adult life. I haven't been eating well, haven't been sleeping well, and have just been teetering (yes, i actually used the word teetering) on the edge of tears. It doesn't help any that my period is here and is extremely rough. Master has been wonderfully patient, very loving, and very snuggly... but we interact so infrequently that I'm starting to feel like that will never end. I just want to curl up in His arms and beg Him to just hold me.

This is a very standard reaction to me being sick. Since I'm nothing but an adult little girl, this is normal. I also behave worse when I'm feeling like this. I do the whole button pushing thing and lately I have been cautiously feeling out the boundaries again. The boundaries are what makes me feel safe, secure, and loved. Knowing that He is still enforcing the boundaries keeps me from spiraling out of control.

I want to be in my "little" world. I want to be in the world that He once created for me where I was free to behave like a 6 year old. I want to be free from adult responsibilities and free from the stresses of things like time, money, and work. I want to be cradled, reigned in, and well.... lazy...lol. I know it may sound strange, but right now I really don't care what sounds strange... I care about what I feel I need.

Only my needs are not my decision. I would never be happy if they were. My needs are His decision. Sure, I'm allowed input.... but He will decide what it is I need. What I feel I need right now are conflicting ideas... I need to be used hard, I need to be beaten soundly, and I need to be reminded of my place... and yet I need to be snuggled gently, pampered slighly, and treated as a precious child. I guess I think I need both ends of the spectrum. Ultimately, He will decide. And I know that His choice will be the right one.... because the truth of the matter is... He knows me better than I know myself.

Yesterday, when Master was putting me to bed I started becoming a bit of a smartass. Master doesn't mind, and occasionally enjoys, a bit of bratting... but I pushed a little too far and was threatened with corner time. My heart swelled at the threat. My heart swells for Him.

Sighs...

2008-12-26T10:13:00.002-05:00

I'm positive I've used this title before, but I'm really not interested in thinking up a new one right now.

Christmas went well, but exhausted me. I'm still exhausted. I've been battling a migraine since last Sunday, and its getting no better. My neck hurts, my shoulders hurt, my eyes hurt, and I really just feel like whining about it. I've done a decent job at not whining to Master about it because I know Him and kitten aren't feeling well either.

This morning, about 5 am I developed an overwhelming craving for chocolate. Its a damn good thing that the powers above made sure I was broke and no one around me had chocolate, because that would have made my migraine a ton worse...lol. About the time I walked in the door from work, that time of the month hit... and hard. I've been fighting being doubled over in pain and once again wishing for a full hysterectomy.

Its a little after 10 now, and I wish I was asleep, but I'm just not ready to sleep. Its too hectic to really unwind and I'm a bit cold. I feel like I need to sleep with gloves on...lol. I already stole Master's socks, but He loves me and doesn't mind :). In a few minutes I'm going to put on my thick Tinkerbell sleep pants.

That reminds me... I need to find some fleece type material. I really miss being chained while I sleep but the chain is just too damn cold to be touching me in the winter. Master rarely ever enforces it because it really is too cold for me to handle. If I can wrap the chain in fleece or another warm material then I can be chained while I'm sleeping. I'd really like that. Too tired to do that now though....

Right now I'm just going to mess around online a bit, and wait for life to settle down enough for me to sleep some. I really want something, but I have no idea what I want so I can't ask for it. I'm just all kind of emotional today.

All I want for Christmas...

2008-12-24T08:44:00.002-05:00

... I won't even go there... everyone who reads this blog already knows the answer to that...lol.

So I have had an interesting few days at work... good interesting, not bad interesting.

I have this friend at work... honestly, before I left to have the baby I didn't know her really well. But for some reason she shared almost all of my cravings with me... lol. Once I got back to work we started to talk more. A few nights ago we were talking in between calls and the subject of our lives came around. For whatever reason, I knew I could trust her, and I ended up telling her (in a private note...lol) about the details of my life. Imagine my shock when she didn't judge me harshly! It turns out that she not only understood, but has experienced life the way we live it. From that moment on, we've passed notes (lol!) almost all shift every shift (its so damn hard having a private conversation in a call center...lol! ).

I can't even express how wonderful it is to have a friend who truly understands. There's nothing to hide and nothing to carefully re-word. I don't have to avoid getting close to her for fear of slipping up, and she understands why I can't accept an invitation to hang out right away. Not to mention the fact that she is very sweet to me, and comes dangerously close to feeding my need for an older female friend, big sister-type.

The biggest bonus of all.... she's even willing to talk to Master and get to know Him... I can honestly say that this is the first time in years I've ever had a desire to really socialize or talk to someone outside the home about our life. I think its because I know instinctively that my secret is safe... and my heart is too.

Freezing...

2008-12-17T10:17:00.002-05:00

I'm freezing my ass off... badly...

Speaking of my ass, it has not been spanked in far too long... if anyone is bored they can scroll back through and find my little essay on spirituality... i really think i need a good spanking.

I would love to be on all fours on the bed while Master tries out all of His implements. I love the crop, and can't wait to feel it again. I also love the floggers and canes and wish I could be their willing victim again.

I love the sting, the bite, the pain... I love feeling nothing but the caress of the floggers... and occasionally the whip. I love His hand on the small of my back, a gentle reminder that He is right there. I love the steady rythm of the beats.

I ache for that time again... I ache for that moment... and I ache for the bonding time with Him. I ache for what our relationship has been missing. I crave those special moments, and that wonderful show of His dominance and power over me.

Sometimes vanilla life really does get in the way...

Tagged by Tapestry!

2008-12-16T07:48:00.004-05:00

Fantastic Four

First the rules for the Fantastic Four meme:
1. Copy/paste the questions into your blog.
2. Type in your answers.
3. Tag four people on your list (note: TELL people you've tagged them or they may not know!)
4. Don't forget to change the answers to your own!
.
.
FOUR PLACES I GO OVER AND OVER AND OVER:
* Work
* Master's arms
*Bed
*And for good measure... work again...lol...
.
FOUR PEOPLE WHO EMAIL ME REGULARLY:

*Four? I can't even come up with one!

FOUR PLACES I LIKE TO EAT:

*Texas Roadhouse
*Longhorn Steak House
*The 99
*The Summer Palace

FOUR PLACES I'D RATHER BE RIGHT NOW:

*Texas
*In a better mindset

FOUR TV SHOWS I COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER:
I hate to say it, but none. W/we watch quite a few shows (thank heaven for DVR's.) But W/we never watch a show W/we've already seen. W/we will however watch movies more than once. So I'm going to list 4 of the TV Shows I like a lot - even though I don't watch an episode more than once, and then I'm going to list 4 movies that I've watched again and again, and would watch again right this very minute if I wasn't busy doing this silly meme.

*House

I'm really not a big TV person...lol

FOUR PEOPLE THAT I THINK WILL RESPOND WITH A LITTLE LINKY LOVE:

I don't even have any idea who...lol

**So that gets that out of the way. I know, it was 6 days ago when I was tagged but in all honesty things are weird around here. We had a killer ice storm and many people in the area are still waiting for power to be restored. Last count, I believe, was 400,000 in the state. That wasn't a lot of fun.

Lot of vanilla life going on... and I know its affecting all of us badly, especially Kitten. Master is working on fixing that though, so hopefully everything will fall into place soon.

There's no real update going on right now, just getting over that cold and working as best I can... but I'm sure we can all relate to that...lol!

What to write....

2008-12-07T19:37:00.002-05:00

... that is the question....

There just isn't a whole lot to update on...lol.

I know, I've been pathetically quiet lately. I am just working on getting adjusted to the changes and trying to figure out where I belong and when I belong there. I know its silly, this is the family that Master and I have created so of course I belong anywhere He is, but its weird living on a different schedule than the rest of the house. There doesn't seem to be any real time to talk about anything other than the kids... and on the rare occasions when we do have time I can't seem to think of anything to say. I don't want to ramble about stupid things because I don't want to waste what little time we get together talking about things that don't actually matter. That seems pretty silly to me too because any conversation is probably better than none.

There isn't any spanking news to update on because that hasn't happened in weeks. I could really use a good spanking, but there doesn't seem to be any time for that and I haven't misbehaved so there isn't any punishment coming. I refuse to misbehave just to get the spanking I think I need. I don't like that idea at all and I do my best to keep that from happening.

There's no playtime to update on because there hasn't been time for us to do that either. I miss it... a whole lot... and I am finding myself worrying that maybe since Kit is here and much more accessible maybe I'm not needed that way. Logically I know that our only issue is scheduling and timing, but emotions get in the way of logic occasionally.

Aside from that there isn't really anything else to update on. Things aren't going badly at all... I'm just feeling pretty lonely during this adjustment. Master has done everything He can to make sure that I am not alone... He has done His absolute best to be awake when I get home in the mornings, and He has been very loving and demonstrative because He knows this is hard for me. I don't think its all that easy for Him either.

I appreciate that a lot because I know He is thinking of me and doing His best to make sure I know I am loved. I love this man with all I am and I know that love is returned. I have never questioned that... but I still feel pretty lonely and out of the loop sometimes. I know that this is a result of my own emotions, and not a result of how I am treated. I need to work on that, and work on centering my energy again. As easy as it is to allow a spanking to center my energy for me, I need to work on alternatives. Thats my new goal for myself...

Ok, thats about it for now!!

Quick update...

2008-12-05T09:21:00.002-05:00

I am officially back to work... and not thrilled about it...lol...

I need a spanking... (and want one too!)

Me, who hates structure with a passion, is craving a bit of structure... something to depend on...

Me and the little Master have been sick... but we're both doing better now!

I love my Master and my sister wife lots!

School is going decently...

Will update more when I get on a semi-structured schedule...

:)

Things that make you go hmmm...

2008-11-24T14:20:00.003-05:00

I know, a lame title... but it works...lol!

I want to start by saying that my beautiful sister wife has acually really opened up for the first time in her blog... check it out here... Kit

Master has posted one of His many wonderful poems on His site.... you can find that here... Master

On to my latest ramblings...

Adjusting to going back to work is not fun and not easy. I had a full blown breakdown yesterday afternoon and just sobbed my heart out. Master was so wonderful and so supportive as He stroked my hair and assured me that it was ok to be sad and confused. Part of my confusion is that I don't feel like part of the family. I only worked 3 nights so far and I already feel disconnected and like a visitor in my own home. I know that this will even out, but it hasn't been easy. I only slept a total of 9 hours from Wednesday morning until my breakdown on Sunday, so I know a lot of that was the fact that I was completely exhausted. The other part of my confusion is that I love my job. I love the company and most of my co-workers. Its so hard to love what I do but hate how it affects my home life. Master is working on some type of schedule that will allow me to feel less like a visitor and more like the valued member of our family that I am.

That is all wonderful, but I also need to feel like His slave. I need (and absolutely) love to feel like His property. Working allows me to feel like I am serving Him, which is vitally important to me, but I need to know that I am wanted and needed sexually. I do not equate sex with love, but I need to be needed in all ways and that includes sexually. I actually equate discipline with love. Being punished is not usually fun, but I feel most loved and most secure when I am kept on a short leash. Knowing that He needs and wants me sexually makes me feel good as a person. It makes me feel confident, sexy, and desirable.

Unfortunately, with this overnight schedule the only time I even have a real shot at any type of sexual playtime with Master will be on Sundays or Mondays. I'm not at all opposed to playing during the day, but with kids and appointments and such I'm pretty much booked as a taxi everyday this week. I'm hoping that the weeks following won't be so bad, but I really am not sure how that will play out.

Rules... i love rules. Master has always had a list of rules for me, and I have always loved them. Knowing that I am following His rules to be best of my ability always makes me happy. Knowing that He loves me enough to provide rules and assignments carries me through the hard times. Rules are one of the most important factors to us staying connected when I work this shift.

Staying connected is one of my biggest worries. Master has assured me that He loves me more than life and would never let our connection fall. I trust Him and I know how much I mean to Him, but the biggest fears still grip me sometimes. He assured me that its ok to feel like this and that as we get more into the swing of things it will all work out.

Spanking...

I need one. Like now... actually I need lots of them. I can always tell when I'm feeling insecure because the desire for a spanking get stronger and stronger. Spanking makes me feel secure, happy, and loved. The harder the spanking the safer I feel. I wish I could have daily spankings now that I'm back to work.

Ok, thats more than enough rambling for now...lol!

Back to work...

2008-11-22T19:15:00.002-05:00

I went back to work Thursday night and so far work has been good. Everyone there (with the exception of 3 or 4) are a lot of fun to work with and has made the transition much easier. I'm glad that I work with such great people.

I miss Master and kit a lot, but I know that things will settle into some type of routine eventually. I've only been back to work 2 nights now, I go in tonight and then have Sunday and Monday nights off.

I don't really have much to post right now... I haven't really seen anyone in our house since I went back to work so there's really nothing to update...lol!

Spanking... and rambling....

2008-11-19T11:23:00.002-05:00

Last night Master arranged for us to have some extended time... as a "re-intruduction" to hard play. He had really toned down our play during the pregnancy and the "after baby" period. I went months without a good spanking, and it was showing in all ways. I was emotionally and spiritually off, and my attitude was creeping up to unacceptable levels.

On a small aside... why is it that when a submissive/slave/spankee (whatever title you prefer) goes awhile without a spanking she starts to taunt her spanker without even realizing it?

Anyways... the first spanking of the evening was designed to make me cry. The problem that was usually run into is that I never want to cry during a spanking. The harder He spanks the more I brace myself and grit my teeth. After a hundred or so swats, He started taunting me. He used His "mean voice" and started saying things that He knew would make me cry, basically daring me not to. As soon as that started the tears started. That did not make Him stop, however... only encouraged Him to go on. He stopped for a minute, pulled me close and let me cry. I started calming down and was really relieved that it was over. Not even seconds after I believed it was over, He decided that I wasn't crying enough and started again. The tears were worse this time because I was completely caught off guard. When He stopped and pulled me close again I had a bit of a hard time calming down because I wasn't sure if it was really over, or if He was going to start again. Once I realized that it was really over, I wasn't entirely sure how I felt about how it went. After a lot of love and snuggles, I realized that I felt a lot better. I was really cold (which always happens after intense spankings) but so much happier.

After a lot of snuggles and a break, we started part two of the spanking. This part of the spanking started out fairly mild and built up in intensity. I think Master said that this part ended up being about 1300 swats. He switched out using various implements, and to be honest I don't remember too much of this one. I found my happy place and was pretty much oblivious to anything. The same implements and intensity that had me in tears a few minutes before was now not phasing me and just allowing me to drift further and further into my happy place.

There were things that happened after He stopped the spanking, but I really don't recall much of it. He wants me to work on trying to remember it, but that may take some more time...lol.

After a 3 hour break Master sent me for a shower with Kit, and then He did some various decorative bondage and took some pictures. I'll post those soon, but I haven't seen any of them yet and need His approval. They will be coming in some form though.

After that we did some tied to the bed bondage and teasing. It was all really nice. I think it is going to make tomorrow's transition a lot easier.

Tomorrow...

I go back to work.

Tomorrow night, around 10:30, I will be sitting at my desk for the first time since July. I'm not going to lie and say I'm looking forward to it, but I know Master has plans to keep us connected because we had a small problem with that even before I left for my leave of absence. I really appreciate that... and I've told Him that but He just gives me a weird look and reminds me that I am really important to Him and that our relationship is really important to Him and that He would never let us loose our connection if He could help it.

Speaking of our relationship, we are about a month away from the 7th anniversary of my collar. Seven years ago He offered me His collar and I happily accepted. I could keep rambling on about that, but that post will be coming in about a month...lol. Just know that 7 years later we are still going strong!

A new kind of fun...

2008-11-12T20:46:00.003-05:00

This morning after taking Kitten to work and paying some bills Daddy and I went to the store with His daughter, K, to buy her a new mp3 player. She deserved it because she has been an amazing help with the house and the kids.

Before we got to the store I told Daddy that I needed to use the bathroom. He got an evil look in His eye and just laughed and told me I could when He said so. We walked around the store, bought the mp3 player and then went home. When we got home I asked again, but He just told me to ask again in 10 minutes. Almost exactly at the 10 minute point I asked again and He simply said maybe in 5 minutes. Not even a few minutes after that He asked why I was standing with my legs crossed and laughed at me..lol. A few minutes later He told me it was time and He walked to the bathroom with me.

When we got there He stood in there while I lowered my pants and He told me not to pee until He said so. He instructed me to rub my clit for awhile, and I did, but it was very humiliating. Soon He told me to start peeing but not to stop rubbing my clit. It was embarassing to say the very least, and nearly impossible to pee while rubbing my clit. I tried my best though and was able to pee a little. He told me to cum, and I did... and it was so wonderful but entirely humiliating.

This was something very new for us, and it was definitely a humilating experience. I, however, love humiliation. He is finishing off the humiliation by having me post about it. I am blushing as I write this.

Humiliation is wonderful....

2008-11-06T18:05:00.002-05:00

Ok, pity party over...lol.

Master has been more than tolerant of my emotional ups and downs since the birth of the baby. I really couldn't ask for a better Master. I am truly happy to serve Him, to have His children, and to be with Him. I know sometimes I whine a little on this blog, but things are never as bad as they seem at the time.

I've been around fetlife lately, reading. Sometimes I really do not know what to think of the things that some people come up with. I am a firm believer in "what works for me will probably not work for you", so I mostly stay out of the conversations. I do enjoy reading them for the most part.

I really have no idea what I'm rambling about right now and the little Master is demanding attention, so I'm going to snuggle for a bit...lol!

Silly girl moments...

2008-11-05T18:08:00.002-05:00

Today was my 6 week pp check up. Everything went fine and I got the clearance for all things. This was extremely exciting, seeing as how Master said that we would have some real intense play and spanking either tonight or tomorrow night. I was a very very very happy girl.

And then it happened.

My period showed up, about 20 minutes ago in full swing. I've been spotting for 2 days now and was just praying that it would hold out. I am now sitting here, doing my best not to cry because something I wanted so much has to be postponed... again. Sure, we could play while I'm on my period, we've done it before... but it limits a lot. The cramping is already starting and suddenly my back is killing me. I've never been known to have easy periods.

I just wish I understood why fate seems to toy with me so much. I know, that's really an emo statement, but right now I just feel sad. I feel like everytime I really get my hopes up about something, it gets dashed away from me. I know its silly (hence the title of this post), but right now I feel stupid for ever believing that it would actually happen as planned.

I just want to curl up somewhere and have someone hold me.

Spirituality

2008-11-03T19:05:00.000-05:00

Spirituality
The quality or state of being spiritual; in-corporeality; heavenly-mindedness

Heavenly-minded is the perfect example of how spirituality feels to me. When experiencing something physically or emotionally intense, my perception changes. My physical vision changes and my body becomes incapable of feeling physical sensations in the same way it normally does. I become more aware of my emotions and through these intense moments I can cleanse myself of negative energy and negative emotion.
My personal spiritual path runs in many directions. I identify with Christians, I believe in the Almighty Heavenly Father, and I accept Jesus. I identify with Wiccans and some Pagans. I believe in the Great Mother, natural energy paths, empathy, and the many minor gods and goddesses. I also frequently use meditation and the help of spirit guides. Being this eclectic religiously has taught me quite a bit about religious tolerance, and about the many ways people serve their personal Creator. The Almighty Heavenly Father and the Great Mother are my spiritual creators… I view them as my spiritual parents. I strive to please them much like I strive to please Master, but like all children or slaves, I sometimes fall.
In the Bible it is mentioned that the man is the head of household. The women and children in the home are expected to follow in the man’s spiritual path. The man makes the rules and runs his household and he is accountable to no one but God. In our home it is much the same. Because of my beliefs, slavery to me is a completely spiritual thing. By serving my Master, I am serving my Creators. Every time I kneel for Him, I am also kneeling to my Creators. When I do His will, I am also doing the will of my Creators. By living the lifestyle I do, I am serving my Master, my Creators, and in a way, myself.
Part of my spiritual beliefs center around the exchange of energy. In every person, plant, animal, or object there lies energy. This is the life energy, which is vital to everything and everyone. These energy strands, if you will, are also what I feed on during the use of my empathy. Occasionally these energy strands become tangled and out of balance. When this happens, I start to spiral out of control emotionally. I believe that is where I am at right now. I firmly believe that my energy is out of sorts and this is causing me to feel emotionally stagnant and raw. I don’t know what is causing the energy to be out of balance, but I know I need something to help me balance it out.
Master mentioned today that I need a spiritual beating. He said that I need to be broken, forced to cry, loved on, beaten hard and put over, and used hard. I agree with Him because I know that kind of tearing down and rebuilding will sort out my energy strands (for lack of better word) and will allow me to regain my energy balance. I also know that the kind of beating He is describing needs to be more intense than ever and will require a massive amount of aftercare.
When I get a beating like described above, I feel so many emotions all at once. This is sometimes overwhelming because at times like this I have a hard time feeling emotions at all. When I go a period of time feeling emotionally raw or lost like I have been the onslaught of physical sensations and emotions is really hard to take. Most of the time these beatings involve Master saying things to induce emotional pain. The confusion that always seems to result breaks down part of my barriers, and the physical pain of the beating helps throw me over into the spiritual realm. Once I am over into the spiritual realm my energy strands start to untangle themselves and my spiritual eyes are open. I see visions and usually calming scenes. Once the beating stops and I am slowly brought back by Master, it takes a bit of time for me to come entirely back together. The worse the emotional stagnancy is, the harder the beating needs to be.
I have read quite a few sites on the internet where slaves have described feeling the same level subspace that I have experienced, and some even deeper. Some of these slaves view this as an adrenalin rush, others as an out of body experience, and some consider it to be the ultimate level of submission. For me, it is a chance (and often a much needed chance) to connect with my spiritual side. Sometimes I equate it to the Catholic’s version of confession. Most Catholics come out of confession feeling free, relieved, and released. That is how I feel once I completely come down.
My entire life as a slave is a spiritual experience. When I serve my Master I am serving my spiritual needs, and my need to serve. Master gains from this, and I get some of my needs met just by being owned. When Master gives me a task that is hard for me to endure, I am serving Him as well as my spiritual needs. I believe that I was put on this earth to serve my Master, to be below Him in status, and to have my needs be less than His. The few times I have ever come close to feeling like His equal, both my slave needs and spiritual needs suffered. I crave to feel like I am His pet, His property, His slave. I feel whole spiritually and as a person when I am reminded that my wants are privileges that can be taken away. I know I am just rambling now, but it’s hard to put these thoughts down. Spirituality in slavery is something that I feel, and feel most when Master is asserting His authority. I crave reminders on an almost daily basis of my place, and I fear forgetting my place. The rituals we used to have reminded me of spiritual rituals, and fed my need for that. I can feel the energy tides when all is right in my slave life.

Bored...

2008-10-28T10:00:00.002-04:00

Its 10 am and I'm hanging out with the three year old and the little man... its a little boring to say the very least. My school work is not going to get done because the three year old is more interested in causing trouble than she is letting me work and everyone else is sleeping.

I am seriously sleepy, if I stop moving or typing I keep dozing off which would not be a good thing...lol. Jillianne would probably decide that she wanted to take care of the baby for me, which would turn out badly...lol.

Not much else to report here. Life has been pretty busy and pretty normal all at the same time...

Morning

2008-10-26T09:38:00.003-04:00

The morning started early, about 7am... after getting to sleep at about 2:30am...lol!

The baby has been fussy, like really fussy. I'm about to return him for a quieter model! I had about 40 minutes of peace, so in those 40 minutes I've washed a load of laundry and threw it in the dryer (even remembered to turn the dryer on!), picked up the girls' room (they have no concept of helping... they always seem to make a bigger mess), put away all the clean dishes, washed a bunch and dried and put them away, and tossed another load in the washer. I'd say thats a good start. :)

Seems like there is so much more left to do, but the little Master is fussing again. He's good at that, but he's so cute I can't bear to part with him...lol.

Just thought I'd share. :) Bet everyone wishes they had one this cute...lol!

Life has been busy lately, as I'm sure everyone can tell from my last few posts. There has been no time for any kind of play or anything like that. I'm seriously missing it, but I suppose its ok since I don't have my 6 week clearance anyways. I have earned some corner time this past week, for a less than stellar grade in my Programming class (but hey, I passed it! ), and some small mistakes obeying traffic laws. It all had to wait with MIL was here, but I'm sure that debt will be paid in full soon.

The baby is a month old now, and I'm thinking that maybe we don't need the 6 week clearance to have some good fun. I've been reading a lot online about how the 6 weeks is just a guideline and it really is all up to how the woman's body feels and heals (that rhymes!). I feel perfectly fine. The bleeding stopped weeks ago, and everything seems to be back to normal, so we'll see what Daddy thinks.

Before I end this I just have one question.... anyone want a couple of toddler girls? I have two that are just begging me to give them away...lol!

Mother-in-law, grades, and life in general

2008-10-25T18:53:00.002-04:00

Mother in law got back on a plane today to return to Texas, and I was thrilled to see her go. I know that sounds mean, but there are some things we just didn't want to expose her to, and one of those things was our BDSM lifestyle. It was interesting enough watching her try to wrap her mind around poly, we didn't want to rock the boat too much. It would have been no fun if she had a heart attack while up here...lol.

She accepted the poly fairly well. I think it helped a lot that we did not, at any point, make excuses or apologize for how we lived. All 3 of us presented a united front, and showed her how we made it work. She made sure we knew that she didn't like it, but she did tell us that she loves us all regardless of whether she agrees or not. That was a plus, I guess...lol.

So it was a week with no playtime, no real structure, and none of our typical lifestyle moments. It was not fun... but we made it and it is pretty much back to normal around here. That makes me a happy girl.

What does not make me happy is the fact that the woman at WIC yesterday made me feel like crap because of my weight. I have struggled with my weight all my life. I was actually a full blown bulemic by the age of 9 and I didn't actually come out of that stage of my life until I became pregnant with R. I promised Master when I was pregnant with R that I would never binge and purge again, and I have kept that promise for over 4 years now. That doesn't mean, however, that I don't struggle with the bad thoughts. Thats why diets are dangerous for me, because I become obsessed until it is no longer healthy.

All in all I am proud of myself for the steps I have made and how far I have come. I will continue to heal myself in that regard, and as always, will do so with Master's help and support.

A little bit later I will post some pics of me, Master, and Kit.... provided I get Master's permission for that.

Laters!

7 Random facts about myself...

2008-10-25T18:47:00.002-04:00

Cookie tagged me for this 7 random things about myself thing...lol.... so I decided to post 7 random things about myself...

1.) I am thrilled to death that my mother-in-law went back to Texas.

2.) I'm already thinking about our next baby...lol!

3.) I have next to no relationship with most of my family (those that live outside of Master's house).

4.) Believe it or not, I have a hard time making friends.

5.) I sleep with my "blankie" and my stuffed animal almost every night.

6.) I actually struggle with insecurity issues.

7.) I love my lifestyle!

There are my 7 random facts! As always, I'm always willing to answer questions if someone has one!

Mother-in-laws, pigeon suicide, and nose fetishes....

2008-10-20T13:43:00.003-04:00

I know... a very interesting title....lol

My mother-in-law is here. She came in Saturday from Texas. Master hasn't seen or talked to His mother in almost 13 years. I had never met her, and W and K (Master's daughters) were not at all thrilled about this visit. There is some seriously bad history in this family, so it was anyone's guess as to how this was going to go.

So far, things have gone well. Master and His mother are making their peace, and really starting to understand each other. She seems nice enough.They are really getting to the point where they can put the past behind them and move on. Some things will never truly be forgotten, but it seems right now that at least most can be forgiven.

Master's mother, however, hates our poly lifestyle. Master and explained to her that it is non negotiable and that she doesn't have to like it. She just has to accept that we are going to do things our way, and that we are happy. There have been a couple of times so far where she has cornered Kit with some uncomfortable questions, but Kit is answering her honestly and handling it all beautifully. We are a united front and refuse to be ashamed of who we are and how we live. She seems to like Kit though, which is good. I guess she likes me too, but I don't really know for sure...

As for the pigeon suicide....

Master and I went to the grocery store the other day. As we were sitting at a stop sign waiting for our turn to go a pigeon flew head on into a house and dropped like a piece of lead. We have no idea what caused the pigeon to fly into the house, but the damn bird hit that house hard. I've never seen anything like it!

And nose fetishes....

I promised Kit that if she didn't stop poking me in the nose I would tell the whole world that she has an odd nose fetish.... needless to say, she didn't stop... so here it is....

KIT HAS A WEIRD NOSE FETISH!!

Life...

2008-10-16T14:38:00.002-04:00

... is good.

Nothing drastic to report, but life is good.

I seriously am drowning in my sexual needs.

But life is good... :)

Final

2008-10-14T16:56:00.003-04:00

I got my final grade for my Behavioral Science class and I got a 90!

I am so excited that I got an A- despite having a baby in the middle of the class...lol!

My Master and my sister slave

2008-10-12T20:00:00.003-04:00

I wanted to go ahead and post about how I truly feel about my sister slave. So many of my posts have been about my own struggles with poly, pregnancy, and hormones that I sometimes wonder if I give the wrong impression. I know that this blog is a place for me to vent out some of the fears and negativity, but that isn't what my life is truly like.

My sister slave, Kit, is amazing. She's vibrant, beautiful, smart, and an overall amazing person. She has been in our lives in one form or another for about 3 years. She's seen my best sides and worst sides... and even my horrible sides. She knows my thoughts and feelings on just about everything, and isn't afraid to admit when she just can't follow where I am coming from. She takes time to process things, and does her very best to avoid rash decisions. She treats my children like they mean the world to her, and she constantly puts their best interests ahead of her own.

I seriously am in love with her.

This is a huge thing for me. I have only been in love with one other female and that love cost me years of heartbreak. I am bisexual, and capable of being in love with more than one person. Master is my foremost... I love Him above all, but I am in love with Kit too. Many of the reasons I am in love with her are listed above. This wasn't a "in love at first sight" at all. This was a "creep up on you" in love. I've known for awhile that I was in love with her, which made it even harder on me because I didn't want to look stupid and confess my love only to discover that she didn't feel the same. I was intentionally holding back in our relationship because I didn't want to face rejection at all. Once I started (here in the last week or so) to really let go and relax about our relationship I learned that maybe, just maybe, she may love me as much as I love her. We have been touching more, snuggling on the couch or during naps... and that has led to us talking more and generally being more comfortable with each other.

I love looking at her. I love her hair, her eyes, and her legs. I really love everything about her and I really hate the thought of her ever leaving. That is now something I don't worry about so much because she said that we are stuck with her. Ever since she made that statement, I really feel like our family is stable, secure, complete, and safe. I feel comforted and happy when all three of us are in the same room. When she offers to help me with the appointment making, or picking K up from work, or the other chores that were just mine I don't wonder if she's trying to replace me. I recognize that she cares about me and wants to help... and that she wants to be an active part of this family.

I no longer wonder if Master wants her sexually more than me. I was worried for awhile that He was tired of me, since we had been together for 9 years.... I know now that is not even close to being the case. She enhances us, completes us... she isn't here to replace me.

Life is good.. and getting better. I have a sister, a wife, a friend, and a lover.... and I have the most amazing Master... I really believe that I was created only to be His.

Master has moved heaven and earth for me on numerous occasions. I serve Him, but He goes out of His way to take care of me. Never has He let me flounder. I am His slave, but He values me... my thougts, opinions, dreams, desires, wants and needs. He provides everything He can to help me grow and learn. He never fails to discipline when necessary, and always follows the discipline with love and affection. He is always fair....

Master is so amazing. I love His hair, His eyes, and as silly as it sounds, His height. His voice melts me and His expressions make my heart flutter. His hands work wonders in all ways... every caress, every gesture, every spank delivered by His hand makes me melt again for Him. After 9 years He is still the only man I would ever want or need.

Boredom...

2008-10-11T14:04:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here, on the couch, doing my best to find something to do. There is an adorable baby in his boppy chair sitting by me, and the two little girls are supposed to be napping. Instead they are working on ensuring that I think of creative ways to cage them in their room...lol.

Master and His kitten are napping... we have all been sick. I have an ear infection in my right ear, and the start of bronchitus. Kit has bronchitus and her ears are red, and Master's daughter, K, is almost over bronchitus. The kids seem to have avoided it, but Master has started getting a cough today... so we'll see if He's next. So Master and Kit are napping... i've been up since 7:30 so I think Master wants me to nap when He wakes up. I'd rather not because I feel like I really haven't seem Him or spent time with Him since this past Tuesday and prior to that we haven't had any alone time in 3 weeks. I'm definitely feeling the need for some attention. I just keep reminding myself that its not about what I want, its about what He wants. I know He wants me and loves me, but since everything has been crazy there just hasn't been a whole lot of time to work in even a conversation that doesn't revolve around the kids or when the baby's last feeding was...lol. I know He has time for us planned on Tuesday, so I guess I can just wait until then. I don't necessarily need time with Him alone... but some snuggle time or time close to Him would be amazing.

Today I have managed, despite feeling like crap, to get a load of laundry done, clean the livingroom, started the dishes, took K to work, and hung out with the littles. I even got a school assignment done, which is good because that just leaves my final which is due tomorrow. I haven't actually started that one but I can't do it when I'm alone with all 3 kids. The baby is fussy and the girls are determined to try my patience.

So the little Master and I are going to snuggle here in a second and find something good to watch on TV. We have a long afternoon ahead of us...lol!

On a great note, Kitten and i have become a lot closer lately. I'm really glad because i really feel the difference in our relationship and I love her a lot!

Intimacy...

2008-10-07T23:44:00.001-04:00

I got some! Damn did i get some..lolol...

Master and I had a fantastic talk this evening and really made sure we each understood what the other was saying. It turns out that my worst fears were not coming true.... and neither were His...lol!

I know, vague.. but its best vague right now.

Right now I am freezing my ass off and a little confused... nothing bad though, not at all. I just wanted to let everyone know that I don't feel numb anymore, I don't feel disconnected, and I'm really cold... but very loved :):):)

Sighs...

2008-10-06T22:04:00.002-04:00

Nothing is actually wrong... just not exactly right. I am severely needing intimacy... in some form. I feel out of touch and disconnected from myself and my life. I know its normal to feel like this so soon after birth, but it gets a little old feeling numb and out of the loop. I see my primary care doctor Friday morning though, so if I'm not feeling more human by then I think I'll talk to her about it. I'm not sad or depressed... not feeling unloved or uncared for... not really feeling insecure either. I just feel... well... out of touch and disconnected...lol.

Other than that life is moving pretty much like normal. Kids are doing great. I'm a little stressed out over R's behavior lately but we're working on getting help with that. Her doctor has been wonderful about communicating with us and giving me ideas to help her. We are not sure if it her autism that is causing the issues, or if there is another issue... so getting her help is paramount right now. The baby is doing wonderfully... we're having some fussiness issues, but he's worth sticking that out for...lol. J turned 3 today and she was so overtired from yesterday's excitement that she was fussy and clingy today, but she's still an amazing little girl.

Right now Master and kit are having time alone to connect and such. Master and i haven't had any real time alone since i've been home from the hospital, but that was due to a miscommunication on both of our parts. He thought that I would ask for it when I was ready, and I assumed that if He wanted time alone with me He would let me know. Neither of us are used to having to schedule these things in, so its understandable that we had that miscommunication. Its all cleared up now and He said He expects time with me tomorrow, so we'll see if that can actually be pulled off...lol.

Not much else to report from around here just now, so I'm going to end it....lol!

Not much new to report...

2008-10-05T20:44:00.002-04:00

Staples are out... but playtime is still out.

J turns 3 tomorrow! We had a party for her at my mom's house today and it was really nice. She was so excited to have a party...lol. She's really adorable. I got about 4 hours of sleep last night... and I'm really feeling it...lol. Master's daughter, K, stayed up all night with the baby so I could get a little bit of sleep, which was much appreciated. I got up at 7 to give her time to take a nap before J's party. I spent most of the morning with the kids since Master and kit slept until around noon, and then we did some running for the last few things needed for the party.

After the party, Master and kit took a nap and I worked on my school work. Master hasn't been feeling well at all and really needed the nap. He didn't intend to take a nap, but when I went in the bedroom to get some comfortable clothes on I found Him asleep at His computer. I hope He feels better soon. I know its hard on Him to feel this bad.

I finally finished my school work and got all of that submitted. I have a final due next Sunday, so I have to spend some time on that this week and make sure its all up to par. I have to get at least an 85 in this class or Master's going to be very upset.

Master, kit and I are doing ok as far as I know. Scheduling hasn't allowed for any of us to spend much time together, but I have been doing what I could to make sure that they get at least some time together everyday. Even if its just keeping the kids occupied so they can hang out and talk for a few minutes. I know it isn't much, but I hope its helping.

I know this is kinda boring.... I really pray that in a week or so I actually have something worth posting about...lol!

A new day

2008-10-01T09:56:00.002-04:00

It feels early, but its already 10am. I feel lazy because I'm just sitting on the couch with my laptop watching the baby sleep and the 3 year old act all crazy...lol!

I can honestly say that the emotional changes that have been going on inside of me feel weird. Not bad weird, just weird in general. Weird as in different, but I have no idea how much of it is post-partum emotions. I do know that a good spanking would do me a world of good though. I know that Master is aware of this too, but I still have 13 staples and probably shouldn't even consider the idea...lol.

Anyone who loves spanking, however, will understand that it would probably be easier for me to stop breathing than it would be to stop wishing for a spanking. I know its silly, because a few weeks is not the end of the world, but at the same time the need is so bad it actually hurts. Now if only my bottom hurt!

Now for something more lighthearted...

2008-09-30T09:47:00.002-04:00

See the light at me
searching from many years...
My spirit flies to you
Now i guess it saw
I Dance with the wind
I´m flowing to your dream
You can lose your fear
You can change your life.

- The lyrics to My Spirit Flies to You.... one of my favorite songs... it gives me peace and comfort :)

Yet, that has nothing to do with this post....lol. My staples are being removed on Thursday... and I can't even express how happy that makes me. The after pregnancy symptoms are not even close to what I expected which means that playtime can probably resume earlier than I had hoped for. This is also so wonderful because I know I would benefit from a good beating now. And I am not talking about a simple spanking... I want a beating that takes me to my limit and maybe a bit beyond. Honestly, that I need to wait until after my 6 week post partum checkup for because I don't need bruises I don't feel like explaining...lol!

Despite, or maybe because of, my last few posts, things are actually going very well for me and us. I feel like we are becoming stronger as a family unit, and that we are communicating effectively. I am growing in my spirituality which is assisting in my growth as a slave, mother, and person. I am really excited about the changes taking place inside of me... and I pray that I can keep the self discipline needed to continue the growth. The growth feels great and gives me real peace and comfort.

I wanted to go for a walk last night, just to be outside with nature... but Master wouldn't let me. He wouldn't even go with me..lol. He said that I didn't need to be walking around the neighborhood at night when I still have staples and such. But He did say we would this weekend. He is being so wonderful and so supportive. I knew He would though.... hell, thats how we've lasted the last 9 years...lol! We are always there for each other... and always support each other in everything we can. I love that about our relationship. Neither of us are afraid to tell each other anything... we may carefully choose our timing, but in the end there are no secrets between us. I really believe that is what has made our relationship rock solid. Communication and trust really can overcome anything.

And thats my post for today.... gotta go take the littlest Master to some appointments and get him weighed again!

To my Master and my sister...

2008-09-30T00:03:00.001-04:00

Words from the soul...

I know that I have caused Y/you both a lot of confusion and exasperation. Despite that, the both of Y/you have stood patiently aside and watched me wrestle my own demons. You have both been there when I needed you, and have instinctively known that pushing me to talk this out wouldn't work. I can't even begin to express to either of you what that means to me. I feel your strength and you love, and it has probably been the sole reason I've made it this far without having a major breakdown. That being said, despite what it may look like, what I am struggling with is not all bad. As a matter of fact, almost none of is. The struggle comes from something that happened inside me from being in the hospital.

The best way to describe it is a spiritual experience. It ties together everything that Daddy has been struggling to get me to see. I have spent way too much of my time over the last few years focused on what i (or we) don't have, and not nearly enough on what i (or we) do have. This has extended over into our transition back into poly. I wanted it to work more than I knew how to express, but was concerned and confused as to how to balance everything that i felt i was giving up in the process. I was concerned about time balance when i went back to work and completely overrun with wondering how i was supposed to be a real part of the family when i'll be gone so much of the time that we would spend together as a family.

While I spent my two days (almost three) in the hospital mostly just with Jake, I cycled through many many emotions. Not really worth getting into, lets just say it wasn't much fun. However, when I got home, I was so relieved and so thankful to be home that something clicked... and clicked hard. True to Sarah-style I had no idea what to do with this click, and as badly as I wanted to talk about it and find out what to do with it, the words just wouldn't come. I knew if I tried before I was really ready the words would come out all wrong and would inhibit my figuring out what I had just been shown. I really believe that the powers above (in all forms) almost literally slapped me with the knowledge and understanding that Daddy was trying to make me see.

It no longer matters to me what I get in terms of attention... I no longer care who has what time or what happens during that time. I don't care what we don't have materialistically, or what we may never have. None of that matters at all. Not even a little bit. What truly matters is that all the people I love most in the world live here, where I can help take care of them... where they are close. That we have a relationship that is working, even if it still is in baby stages.... that I have a sister that i love more everyday and can't imagine losing.... that I have a Master whom I would willingly follow to the ends of the earth and love more than i can even start to express.... that i have children that complete my heart.

From this realization comes the intense desire to give my sister and my Master everything i could imagine that they need. I know that time with Master is extremely important to my sister, and I know that reduced stress is extremely important to Master. When I offered to stay out of here at night, it was not a "poor me" or passive aggressive offer. It was a gift... a true gift of the heart. No strings or bad feelings attached. When I say that I will stay out of the way to give my sister time with my Master.... again.... its a gift. It is my way of saying that i love her and am willing to happily give her what she needs.

Yes, admitting to her that I love her and want her in my life for as long as possible was hard. As a matter of fact it was probably one of the hardest confessions I've ever made. I know, better than anyone, that my heart is on the line. And if it ends up breaking, in the long run, it will be worth it. I have to learn to take the risk... in this case the risk is more than worth it. I am truly happy with her here.

And Master should be very happy because I avoided song lyrics... and I really really really wanted to add some....lol!

Random

2008-09-29T11:22:00.003-04:00

I have no idea how much of this I'm going to succeed at getting down before the littlest Master of the house wakes up demanding to be fed...lol... but I figured I'd at least start it.

So I spent almost 3 days in the hospital... most of it all by my lonesome, because everyone else had to work or had to tend the other kids, etc. Being alone for that length of time away from home had a real profound affect on me. The problem is, I have no idea how to explain it. I know Master wants to know... He asked last night... and all I could say was "I'm just so greatful to be home" before the tears started. Its an overwhelming thing, and something I am desperately trying to find words to explain.

Before I went into the hospital I was really struggling in a lot of ways. I was overly concerned about not having time with Master once I go back to work, I was feeling lost and confused about our triad relationship... and I was feeling overly hormonal. Being in the hospital mostly erased those feelings. Suddenly none of it mattered anymore.

The best way I can think of is to say... who really cares when I can be here, as long as I can be here. Who cares what happens with my emotions or hormones, so long as I can eventually end up in Master's arms. I know that probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but just knowing that at some point during my day I will return home to Him makes everything else look silly and trivial. I am suddenly very focused on making sure His Kitten gets what she needs and has time with Him to talk or whatever, on her own. Now, to a lot of people, this may sound very passive agressive, but it actually is a burning desire to make sure she is comfortable, happy, and content. Master says its because I love her... and I do, very much. More than I am comfortble with, actually. I know thats a vague statement, but I'm leaving that one there for awhile.

I honestly don't know how to explain what happened at the hospital... and I could ramble for hours trying to convey it, but that is just going to confuse everything more.

Confessions

2008-09-29T00:10:00.001-04:00

I opened my heart tonight... and I'm half hoping she was too tired to remember...

2008-09-27T16:04:00.000-04:00

The lights of my life... it feels good to be home.

The pregnancy...

2008-09-26T09:45:00.003-04:00

... is over!

The baby, Jacob Peter, is here! He was born by C section at 4:15am on the 25th of September. He is 8lbs, 1 oz... 20 inches... and as cute as a button. We are both doing very well! I am still in the hospital and since there are other kids at home and Kit is at home, I haven't seen too much of Daddy.... its not like He's ignoring me... just that He has things to get done too. Life is just crazy and a bit lonely besides. It will all settle down soon!

2008-09-23T16:01:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was Daddy's birthday... and it didn't go as bad as they usually do...lol!

After Kit got home from work the three of us hung around and spent time together and such. By evening Master decided that even though it was His scheduled alone night with Kit, He wanted time with both of us. He started by telling us to get naked. He decided to give us His birthday spanks...lol. He started spanking Kit, and about half way through He told me to take over. I've never ever spanked anyone, and really didnt think that I could. He assured me that if I didn't, He would and He would make it hurt.... so I decided to be a very obedient little slave girl and I spanked my sister slave.... but not hard at all.

Soon it was my turn to get spanked... and I am much more of a spankslut than Kit is (she has other.. umm.. talents...ol) , so my number of swats was much higher. Just like with her, Master stopped part way through and instructed Kit to take over... she spanked much harder than I expected (but there was a whole lot of giggling going on too...lol). After the spankings we both stayed naked and lounged around talking. Master said He wants to create a new schedule. I was nervous at first about changing it, but I was really excited about what He proposed.

Right now the schedule had me and Kit each having 2 nights (for 2 hours) a week alone with Master. With Master's new idea He would drop us down to one night each, and leave everything less structured. Whoever needs time will get it, and the other will not necessarily be left out... unless of course something comes up that needs to be dealt with in private. I really think that will give us more time to bond as a triad and less as two couples... which we have become dangerously close to doing.

Kit also came up with an idea she'd like to implement. She said she would like to have a "lunch date" once a week or so for just me and her so we can bond... and I really like that idea...

All in all, things are good!

On the baby front, things are about the same as normal... just waiting for impending labor...lol!

Last night

2008-09-21T18:24:00.002-04:00

Real short and sweet... i think...

Last night Master decided to shave me. It was not an assigned "alone time" night, so that made it a free for all. Kit and i are both not feeling well... damn "end of summer" colds. But anyways, back to my story...

Master shaved my pussy, like He always does... and after every shaving session comes the moment where He eats my pussy. Kit was in there with us, which was just perfectly fine... as a matter of fact she was sitting on the bed next to me. I love having her in there with us when He shaves me, because she is just so damn cute and absolutely beautiful. And I really do like having her around. So anyways, there we are on the bed as Master starts to lick my clit. I love the feel of His tongue on me, so I was completely in heaven but secretly wishing she would touch me. It wasn't long before my telepathy worked and soon I felt her hand on my leg. After a few minutes she was holding one of my legs and running her nails up and down my inner thigh. I can honestly say that it was so nice...

One of the nicest things about it is that it reminded me of a fantasy I've always had. I believe she knows this fantasy because it appeared on my myspace at one point maybe a year ago (I have since pretty much abandonned myspace). In my fantasy, Master blindfolds me, strips me, and then ties me down. And I mean tied down tight. For the next 2 hours or so, I am used in everyway possible by Him and a girl (Kit, hopefully) at His direction. They play a lot too, leaving me untouched for awhile, but in my blindfolded state I can't see anything so I never know what to expect.

And thats all I feel like saying right now...lol.

Well, that and....

Its a little weird that I don't have a problem writing about how much i love it when she touches me, but I can't seem to bring myself to say the words to her face... not fair to her at all.... something i need to work on....

Another long day...

2008-09-19T21:48:00.003-04:00

I started a post yesterday about how badly my day went, but I became distracted and never finished it. I went back to finish it this morning but it no longer made a lot of sense... so I decided to start over...

Yesterday was a hormonal and crazy day emotionally for me. I ended up back in L&D being checked out for the possibility that I was leaking amniotic fluid. I didn't sleep much at all the night before so I woke up in a weird mood, and that trip only made it worse. By the time Master and i went to the store I was upset with the world and not in a good headspace. At the store I ended up being disrespectful to Master infront of His daughter, K, and the cashier. He assured me that He would deal with my disrespect later... which made me feel good, in a way.

True to my fashion I went on with my day, lost in my emotions and forgot all about the impending punishment. He didn't forget, however, and after dinner I got 50 swats and a short lecture on how I should behave. I knew He was being easy on me because He knows how badly I struggle with the bad days, and I appreciated His concern for me and His love. Yet a few hours later, I did it again. This spanking was only 25 swats but with a more intense implement and harder swats. It was far from unbearable, but I defintely felt the reminder. I was informed that I would not get off so easy if there was a next time. I went to bed feeling very loved and secure... and He even snuggled me before I fell asleep, which I desperately needed. Sometimes sharing His time and attention is very difficult for me because I never know when it's ok to intrude. I usually just back off and let Kit get whatever time and attention she needs. It honestly doesn't bother me to handle it this way because I make sure to tell Master when I'm feeling like I need His attention. Usually He waits until bedtime and snuggles me to sleep, which is something He's done for almost 7 years now, so its a routine for us. We both sleep better when we have those moments. Aside from that when Kit isn't working I do my best to make sure I am not taking too much of His attention from her. I have no idea if this is the best way to handle it, but since no one has complained yet, I doubt she even notices that I do it...lol. She will now though when she eventually reads this.

Now for a semi change of topic... I want to have this baby right now. I feel like my body and my doctor have tagged teamed me and are playing mind games with me. My body starts labor, and then nothing happens. I think the physical changes are making my hormones worse than ever which is causing me to react before I think things through. I need to have this baby so I can start getting back to normal, and figure out how to think like a rational human being again. I also can't wait to get back to serving Master in ways that have pretty much been off limits for the last month or so. I don't think I can live without it much longer. My son is more important to me than any playtime, spanking, or physical show of service, but being benched from something that means so much is not easy at all. Once I am fully healed though, I know I will be back better than ever.

Now to be honest, I am far more of a mental slave than a physical slave. Physical activities, such as bondage, are a lot of fun, but I get my thrills from mental bondage, so to speak. I feel a huge sense of accomplishment and a success in service if I perform tasks for Him simply because He said to, and not because I was physically forced to. Physical force is definitely a lot of fun though. I think that is what it boils down to for me... fun versus a sense of pride in my service. Maybe Master and I can play with mental bondage until I am physically able to perform again.

Ok, I've started to ramble... done for now..lol!

Long days and Long nights...

2008-09-18T17:07:00.004-04:00

I know I haven't updated in almost a week, but things have been completely crazy around here. Kit started her new job, which means that our one vehicle has been spread a little thin. Between driving Kit and K to work and back, doctor's appts, running errands, getting R to school and keeping J from destroying the world... my hands have been a little full...lol.

Tuesday I had an appt with the OB and everything looked fine except for a touch of gestational diabetes. I ended having to back for a non stress test, where they determined that I was experiencing uterine tightening. It was uncomfortable, but not painful or concerning, so I didn't think much of it. Tuesday night we made it to bed fairly early for us, which was really nice... until 4:30am. At 4:30 I woke up in extreme pain, but I wasn't aware enough to really pin point it. I got up and walked around for a bit and then crawled back into bed. I half woke Master and He curled up next to me while He was half asleep. I dozed on and off until the pain became more intense. I jumped out of bed literally and Master was right behind me holding on to me closely. Out of nowhere I was suddenly extremely sick and Master had me call the OB on call. I was sent to L&D to be checked out, and they determined that I was contracting, but only about once every 30 minutes... and I am dialated 1 cm. They sent me home with the instructions about when to call back, but I was still really upset because it all hurt so bad.

Master and I had our alone time last night and did everything we could think of to urge my cervix on. None of it seemed to work, but it was fun trying. Master also tried out His new handmade whip and flogger on me... and they were delicious. He couldn't swing too hard though because with labor impending it would not be a good idea to have marks and bruises. Some things just aren't worth having to explain...lol. That makes me a bit sad because the more intense spankings really help center me when I'm feeling down or my hormones are out of whack. Since we already know that this baby has to be a C section, we know that spanking has to stop at least until the staples are removed. That makes me sad too, but provided my body co-operates we won't have to wait the full 6-8 weeks to resume spanking activities. Master has already said that we are going to take it easy at first to make sure that physically I can handle whatever comes our way.

Master has been amazing at helping me think of ways that we can be "together" during our alone times. He knows how hard it will be for me to know what they are doing ( walls are paper thin, everyone can hear most everything...lol) and know that I can't have things like that. He knows that this is something we have never had to experience before, and He wants to make it as easy for me as possible. He has also done everything in His power to assure me that there will be extra snuggles and cuddles, and extra closeness in general. We both know that I will need that a lot after having the baby, and once I go back to work. All in all, I feel a lot less lost and alone now than I did weeks ago when I brought the subject up here. I know Master loves me and my happiness is extremely important to Him. Just as He knows that His happiness is extremely important to me.

Thats it for now, although I may write more later!